Dance of Thoughts

New Blog Coming Soon....

2011-01-17T23:18:00.002-05:00

I blog with you long enough tonight to announce the coming of a new blog...this one will still be active but I will be moving from this log-in to the one I use all the time! I get tired of having to remember two passwords and I miss out on so much stuff from my fellow blog peeps!!!

Happy Tuesday everyone (it's almost here!)

Happy New Year 2011!!!!

2011-01-01T11:05:00.022-05:00

(Work in progress....)

Happy New Year 2011!!!

I sit here in GA welcoming in the new year of 2011!! What a whirlwind 2010 has been!! It has been filled with lots of laughs, many tears, testy trials, joyous triumphs, new friends, exciting adventures!! I am thrilled with everything God has done in my life this year alone! What a wonderful thing to watch Him work in my life and KNOW that GOD has taken care of me and never failed, not once!!

I think that this has been a year of learning, caring, serving, and growing. The end of April 2011 will be 2 years since my ex left me and my life started on a crazy roller coaster ride. I cannot believe it has been almost 2 years!!! There are times where it seems like it was just yesterday and other times where it seems as if it were a lifetime ago! As you know there are many times where I wanted to give up, but thanks to God he never failed me and carried me through every single trial and tribulation I have faced. I can finally say that I am happy where I am in my life. I have an awesome job that does more than pay the bills, a very cute apartment that is all mine and paid for with my own hard-earned money, a wonderful church I call family, a great family who stands behind me, awesome friends who never fail to make me laugh and cry, and just amazed at how the floodgates have opened since my divorce was final.

Yes, I am happy again!! That is not to say that the memories of days gone by don't make me wistful! I was standing on a dock at a lakehouse in GA yesterday on a beautiful mild December day, and all the memories of being on Lake Hartwell were flooding and running through my head. I do miss my "Greenville" family and wish I could see them more often....(and they will always be considered family to me...just because there is one person I don't talk to and don't want anything to do with, doesn't mean the other relationships have to suffer. A lot of people don't understand that, and it's okay.). Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone but that feeling doesn't usually last very long!

This year has definitely been a year of changes. My divorce was final in July, I turned 25 in August, I also accepted a new job the end of August and moved to a very cute 1 bedroom apartment in October. November of course brought family and Thanksgiving, and December has brought more family, Christmas, & New Years. I have been thrilled to serve in various places alongside my church this year in Miracle League and helping needy families and our own people. I have watched my sisters and the younger children in my life grow up, and I was thrilled to be a part of a wedding that was incredibly amazing!! I have thanked God often that He allowed me to go through all the crap that I have in order to help & minister to others who have been in similar situations. I have also in 2 years lost 30lbs and dropped several sizes, which has been pretty awesome!! I have dated a couple guys and become good friends with a few others. I have run into old friends from high school and made new friends along the way.

(and that is all for now....more later!)

I know I say this all the time, but I am incredibly thankful for Joey Leviner & Amanda Leviner for leading Catalyst in what REAL church is supposed to be!! My life has been changed because of it!! I am continuously reminded at how blessed I am to be a part of a group of people who truly believe in Christ, who truly believe in going OUT and serving instead of waiting for people to come to the church. Over and over my life has been blessed and changed by the people of Catalyst who are my family; who are people that I share everyday life with, well, everyday. I cannot imagine my life without them and I can't believe we've only been a group for 2 years...it feels like its been forever! I wouldn't trade it for the world!!

On that note, I have to once again praise GOD for all that he has done ...he literally took me through the valley of the shadow of death and led me up the mountain-side to the top, to victory!! Praise God the battle is already ultimately won for me and praise God for the comfort, peace, grace, joy, and love he showers on us if we only cling to him and walk His path during those tough & troubled times!!

As I close out this New Year's post, I leave you with the passage of Scripture that has become a huge part of my life....

Romans 8:28-39 (NIV)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. More Than Conquerors What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

December 2010 -- 25 Things about Me

2010-12-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

This is just a mindless post tonight to occupy my sleepy brain!

1. ...love to watch CSI: Miami & NY, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice!

2. ...do not have cable TV; haven't in almost 3 years.

3. ...has stayed in a hotel a total of 3 times in my life

4. ...am dying to get debt paid off! but still have a hard time getting on /sticking to a budget!

5. ...love, love, love saxophone and guitar music!

6. ... went Black friday shopping for the first time this year and LOVED it!!!!

7. ...was born in Fairbanks, AK...dont' believe me? ask my parents!!

8. ...absolutely love the smell of fresh clean sheets!

9. ...loves late fall and early spring, but loves it even more when i can spend it in the mountains!

10. ...would sit and read for hours if I could.

11. .. lived in the same neighborhood for 18+ years.

12. ... is so amazed at how far God has brought me and what he is doing in my life on a daily basis!!

13. ..hate to get out of bed in the mornings but love being up early!

14. ...absolutely loves my hair when its cut shorter and completely straight!

15. ...cannot stand backyard breeders or people who wont get their animals fixed!! Maybe they should go look at the shelters and see where their puppies end up! There should be strict, mandatory tests to pass for anyone to breed & there should be a nationwide LAW that any dog/cat not for breeding is to be fixed!! (ok stepping off the soapbox now!)

16. ...am a poet and an author...and have more books in my head!

17. ...had braces twice; had first hole in ears pierced twice; just recently got my 2nd holes pierced!

18. ...have never broken a bone in my body or had measles/chicken pox, etc (and pray I never do!).

19. ...love cucumbers but hate pickles!

20. ...absolutely love CAMPING!! 120 days left til camp 2011!!!

21. ...love playing the piano but can sing better than i can play!!

22. ...do not and have never had any wisdom teeth!

23. ...love, love, love Eeyore, GRITS (Girl Raised in the South); anything with the Palmetto emblem; monogrammed initials....anything girly!

24. ...would love to go to Florida to see white sand and clear water; Montana/Colorado to see rolling green meadows in the mountains; Kentucky to see the bluegrass and the Kentucky Derby; Maine to see the tip top of the East Coast; Chincoteague to see the Chincoteague ponies; Alaska to see my family and re-experience it; Disney World because, well, its Disney World!!

25. ...would love to my creative juices flowing again and write like I used to!

BLACK Friday ............... BEAUTIFUL Friday!!!!!!!!!

2010-11-26T22:50:00.000-05:00

So today was my first ever Black Friday shopping trip!!! I went with 3 of my best girls and we met up about 330 AM!!! Mind you I finally fell asleep about 11 and got up at 230!! We hit Kohls first, then started at Target but left b/c the line was so long! On to Lowe's, then Walmart, Belk's, Cracker Barrel for FOOD, and down to Tanger Outlets where we hit Old Navy, Bath & Body, Ann Taylor, Banana Republic.....from there we went to the mall and did J C Penny, Yankee Candle and ended at Chic Fil A!!!

I really wasn't too sure about all this crazy shopping I'd heard about but I had the best time and it has now become an annual trip for me!! This will be the first of many!! The crowds really weren't that bad and though the lines were long, because there were four of us, we took turns standing in line while the others kept shopping!! It was awesome!!!

The rest of my Friday was spent with my family after cleaning up the house! Tomorrow will be another great day with family and some misc errands!!

Now that it is 11pm FRIDAY I am going to crash now for hopefully the next 8 hours!!

Odds and Ends

2010-10-02T00:32:00.000-04:00

As I sit here at 12:15am on a Friday night, er, Saturday morning, knowing I have to be up at 6a, my mind is working overtime (again) on all the things I need or want to get done before moving day in (drumroll please....) TWO WEEKS!!! I can't believe its coming up so fast!!

I have TONS of boxes all over the place!! It's driving me absolute batty! I've let school sit on the back burner too although I'm still completing work as needed....but I have a paper due Monday and I haven't even started on it. It's not hard, I just have to use MLA format and write about something to do with technology today. I thought about writing about the Ipods and how far they've come in such a short time. Still haven't decided.

Tomorrow, er, later this morning, our neighborhood is doing a yard sale. I'm just going to put stuff out front and if it sells great. If not, oh well. My main focus tomorrow is getting my plants dug up and repotted to move. Also, going to set many aside for friends. I've worked too hard the last 4.5 years to let my flower bed be taken over by weeds again!!

So the many things that I need/want to get done before moving day, besides to finish packing...care if I share? Hope not, since it's my blog! Haha!

These are in no particular order by the way :
Bleach all the trash cans and the cat boxes.
Finish going through old cards and letters.
Figure out how to put a post-bound scrapbook together which will eliminate a box of stuff!
Balance my checkbook and pay all bills to current date.
Set up my new insurance.
Clean out fridge (its for sale by the way!!)
Put Thompson's waterseal on my swing (tomorrow).
Pack last box of fragile's & pictures
Have piano moved to a friend's house
Finish packing kitchen.
Finish linens and clear out the extra closet.
Pay off CSU.
Pay off Vet bill.
Schedule utilities to be turned off.
Make final decision on internet for new place and schedule it to be set up.
Buy two baby gates for new place to make "dog-free" cat area.
Change of address to PO.
Change address everywhere else!!! LOL!!
While changing address, change email address.
Put flea stuff on my cats.

Thats a good list to get started by!! Now its off to sleep !

October 1st, 2010

2010-10-01T00:34:00.001-04:00

So today would've been my 5 year anniversary if I was still married .... instead, I'm celebrating 2 months of freedom, a new job, a new place to live, and all A's in school!! And I'm praising God for walking me through all that crap for many reasons!! God is amazing!!

And this time next year I'll be celebrating the wedding of two of my closest friends!!!

Beautiful Weekend!!

2010-09-26T22:55:00.000-04:00

This has been an absolute, amazingly beautiful weekend!!! Jenn & Lee tied the knot Saturday at Edisto Beach and are now Mr & Mrs Barkley!!! :)! Pictures are posted to my facebook if you want to see them but here is the happy couple:

It was a beautiful ceremony on Edisto Beach with many of their close friends and family!! The day couldn't have been more perfect!! Joey officiated a beautiful service! I loved the "Holy ground" part where he asked everyone to take off their shoes before he prayed because we were standing on Holy ground. How is the beach Holy ground you ask?? Well, because everywhere God is present, it's Holy ground...and God was definitely present at this wonderful joining of man and wife!

The reception was held closer to home and we all partied til almost midnight!! Great food, awesome dance moves, wonderful mix of music, very sweet bartender, beautiful decorations, great friends, and tons of laughs!! There were so many inside jokes I don't think I could list them all if I tried!! I vote this wedding the best of 2010!!! :)

After the wedding festivities were over I came home and literally crashed! Slept off the drinks I had (new favorite, but only had two over the course of the night!) til about 930 Sunday morning!! My Sunday was filled with selling stuff off craigslist, errands, and homework! (Saturday morning was filled with packing packing and more packing!!)

My new job is going great!! I do miss the girls' I worked with but I'm really enjoying this new phase of my life. It is a long and tiring drive to and from work and I can no longer get up 20 min before and be there on time, but the perks of the job are worth it! My boss has been out of town this last week so it's been a bit hectic but that's okay. I'm grateful I can wear jeans and a top every day and not necessarily a "uniform" per say. I'm very grateful for the hours I get each week and most days the hours fly by so I'm grateful for that too (because the days don't drag by!).

I have less than 3 weeks til I move into my new apartment!! I am so far behind packing stuff its not even funny!! I get keys in two weeks and intend to start moving little things like clothes and groceries and such so that there wont be so much "little" stuff to move on moving day! I'm super grateful for the people who are going to be helping me move! Hopefully we can all get it done in a couple hours and it won't take all day!

This week I need to officially change my address and get that paperwork rolling. Then I need to decide what I'm going to do for internet (ugh) and I have to call my utility companies and set a date to have the utilities shut off in this house. I need to find out if I can cancel my house insurance once the foreclosure process officially starts or if I have to keep it for a while! So much to do and so little time!! And have to accomplish it in between work and classes and packing!!

Classes are going well!! Maintaining an A so far which is a sigh of relief!! Started a debate in English class which can be read under "Notes" on my facebook page. Aced my first computer test and B'd my first Art test! Getting ready to pay off CSU from my stupid summer course that I took and then I'll officially be withdrawn from there.

That about catches you up on the Life of Jess right now. I'm gonna head on in to bed here in a few and get ready to start another week!! God is so good and I'm so thankful for my Catalyst family!! I can't believe its been almost 2 years since He brought us together!!! Here we are in the very beginning:

And here's part of us today:

God has been doing amazing work in each of our lives individually and has done some amazing things for us as a group!! I'm so thankful that He put me in the right place at the right time! I wouldn't be who I am today without the wisdom, encouragement, love, and support from this wonderful group of people!! :)

Tribute to 9/11

2010-09-11T00:05:00.004-04:00

My Tribute to 9/11 ...

My Thoughts and Feelings of September 11, 2001

“Where were you when the world stopped turning…?” by Alan Jackson is a song that will never let us forget September 11, 2001. I, for one, will never forget where I was when I heard that awful news. Sitting in Mrs. Jenkins’ 3^rd period English class at Summerville High School, the principal came over the PA system, told us what was going on, and asked for a moment of silence.

Some took the time to pray, while others just showed respect by indeed staying quiet. Life took on a different meaning for America. Red, white, and blue burst out all across the US. Song artists almost immediately began to write, sing, and record songs meant to commemorate this day. Flags went up on cars, houses, and poles. Stores were even selling out of flags because so many people were showing their pride and support for America.

Life took on a different meaning for myself, too. Though I did not lose any friends or family, my heart went out to those who did. I watched the plane that crashed into the towers and the Pentagon. Then there was the plane that crashed in Pennsylvania. Thousands of innocent people lost their lives that day and watching, hearing, feeling their pain, my heart just broke in two.

I thought of the kids whose parents were not going to be home to tuck them into bed. Of the wives whose husbands were fighting to save others, and yet lost their lives in the line of duty. I thought of the husbands whose wives would not return from work that night and of the people who called family and friends for one last goodbye. The babies and young children who would never know one, or perhaps both, of their parents never left my mind.

As I watched the news coverage on nearly every channel, my heart went out to EVERYONE as they dealt with the horror of this and came to the reality that it really was happening. Tears fell down my cheeks as I listened to the many stories of the survivors and read the many emails that were circulated. The pictures that were all over made me gasp in shock. I thanked God that my family was not among those who lost loved ones; that my friends and people I know were not there when the planes crashed. I thanked God for the fact that I would go home to my parents and my sisters that evening, while many would not.

Showing my love and respect for my country has become even more important now than before. When family
or friends are flying, I literally hold my breath until I know for sure that they are safely at their destination. Security measures have increased drastically all over America since 9-11, but it does not ensure America’s safety. All the security measures in the world will never make me feel 100% safe. A terrorist, a bomb; anything like this can slip by security, at anytime.

September 11 has caused me to rethink life. I feel that I have a higher respect for my family, my friends, and myself. Also, for the authorities that risk their lives everyday for me, and for people in general. My faith in God has become stronger. Without Him I, and many, many others would never have made it through this tragedy. No one is granted life and for each of us it will end one day. No one can or should take life for granted and 9-11 has definitely caused more and more people to cherish every single moment they have.

Like Pearl Harbor, Attack on America 9-11 is the one day that will never be forgotten by any American across the nation. The memories, the fright and the terror of this day will be passed down from generation to generation for centuries to come.

Things have changed in America, and this attack will go down in the history books. But for now, and forever,

May God Bless America!!

Written on 9-11-02

Underneath It All

As we watched the flag fly high in the sky

And heard the bells in church steeples chime,

We felt the earth tremble with fear,

As planes crashed into buildings

And people screamed with terror

There were people above and people below

Many with no place to go

With phones they called loved ones

For one last goodbye

They knew they’d never see again

The faces of their family and friends.

Firefighters, policemen, and emergency crew

All trying to save one, even two.

Hundreds of strangers who had the courage

To surrender their lives that day, 9-11.

Red, white, and blue burst forth all over,

Flags with stars and stripes sold out,

Strangers joined hands in prayer

And volunteers came together

To help America out

In her chaotic time of despair.

God Bless the USA!!!!

Written on 3-26-03

Let Freedom Ring

Red, white, and blue

To America we will stay true.

The flag flys proud

Against the clouds

So let freedom ring,

Let freedom ring.

The eagle soars above the trees

Against the glittering sun.

The Statue of Liberty stands guard at the harbor

Reflective of the job already done

So let freedom ring,

Let freedom ring.

9/11 Bud Commercial - AIRED ONLY ONCE

2010-09-10T23:53:00.000-04:00

The Love Dare

2010-09-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

While I'm Waiting

This was one of the many songs I felt like was my "theme song" during my divorce while I waited for God to work. I chose to cling to Him and allow him to move in my life. I continued to praise Him and ask Him for His guidance even when it seemed that all hope was lost. No it wasn't that my marriage would work out, it was asking Him to take care of me and walk me through the valley, while making me a stronger person. It was a very low valley many many times. But God is faithful! He not only walked with me through that valley, but He has brought me to the mountain-top in so many areas of my life ! I am truly thankful for everything I had to go through to get to where I am today. I pray that if you are having trouble in your marriage that you would seek guidance, counseling, and truly search your heart before giving up. God gives us many tools to do so, but He is also faithful to give us peace when we've truly and wholeheartedly done everything possible to save our marriage.Cling to Him, He will not fail you!

The Love Dare

Seasons are Changing

2010-09-07T21:47:00.000-04:00

This is not going to be a long blog but I wanted to share a few things before I fall asleep! I'm moving into my 2nd week at the new job, which is going wonderfully well. Also moving into my 3rd week of classes at Trident Tech (more in a bit). I'm continuously packing and decluttering in preparation for my move in just over 5 weeks!! Life has been absolutely crazy here lately!!

JOB
Monday August 30th I started a new job as an Inside Sales Rep for a tool supply company. Even though I dont know hardly anything about these tools/nuts/bolts/etc I am really enjoying the job. I work with 4 guys who are great and very understanding that I will ask them the same question a million times over ( I just want to get it right :)). The hours seem to fly by and although I dont care for the longer drive or the traffic, so far its been okay. Getting up early still proves to be a challenge, especially since I'm a night owl and it takes forever for me to settle into bed at night. But God willing it will become a habit and come easier as the days go by.

SCHOOL
This fall I transferred to Trident Tech College (TTC) in order to take more classes for less money. CSU was just getting too expensive and I really wasn't digging the business degree classes. So I changed my major to Associate of Arts which seems to suit me much better. I'm hoping to get into the Journalism & Creative Writing classes by next fall after getting some core credits out of the way. I am still doing the online classes so I'm basically at my own pace and just have to make the due dates. So far so good. I"m taking English 101; CPT 102 (computer); and Western Art History 108. The art history isn't exactly interesting as I care nothing about art from those time periods, but it is a fairy easy and enjoyable class so I can't complain. English is fairly easy too...basically just reading stories and giving your opinion. Later on I think we have a paper to write (like a big paper). Just got the assignment for the first paper---500 words. Not too bad just time consuming. And computer of course is pretty much a piece of cake, just takes a lot of time getting stuff done. So Lord willing I will maintain my high GPA again this fall. The business finance class at CSU over the summer I finally finished after a lot of torture and stress and ended up with a B somehow (Thank YOU GOD!!). Still brought my GPA down to a 3.8 but at least I passed with fairly flying colors!

CATALYST
Catalyst is wonderful! I am so thankful every one of my church family is in my life!! Daily I am thankful for what God has done for us and for me through them! It is a beautiful thing to be a part of something so incredibly real!! Words are hard to describe what I have found in my church!! Honestly the best way to know is to come see for yourself!! We're crazy people who love the Lord and strive to do His will!!

HOME
As said above I am in the final weeks of being in my neighborhood of 18 years and my home of almost 5 years. It is a bittersweet moment and it has hit me a few times that everything I know as "home" is going to change very soon!! Sooner than I'm ready I think. I will miss the simple things, like my crepe myrtle trees, my azalea bushes, my flower bed I've worked so hard on, being able to watch my neighbors come and go, being able to walk across the yard to Nana's or down the street to Mom & Dad's, having the room to dog sit for friends, letting my dog run the space of 2 full front yards after his tennis ball... I grew up here and I know the majority of the people that live in the close vicinity of my house. I will miss surprise visits from my family when they're out walking the dog or something and just stop by. It's amazing how much we take for granted!

On the other hand I am excited and looking forward to moving into my own little apartment and having that chance to start over with a clean slate. I am trying to declutter like a mad woman so I dont have to move so much of this stuff but I'm afraid its still going to be a lot to move. I'm kind of embarrassed that as one person I have so much to move!!! I have packed a ton of boxes and you can't really tell. Although I will say parts of my house are starting to look empty as I pack some things away.

I have been picking out colors and such for my new place. Of course I can't (or won't) paint, but I have picked out colors for my bathroom, "theme" for my living room, colors for my kitchen, and in my head I've been arranging furniture and stuff. I'm so excited that I get to take my porch swing with me! I was seriously going to cry if I wouldn't have been able to put it up at the apartment. Its just a simple one bedroom one bath but there is a lot of storage space and big windows that let in a lot of light and a screened in patio too. I'm on the second floor so although it is a bit of a hike to move stuff in (or out one day), it will be well worth it. I'm looking forward to the pool and the fitness center too.

Well, guess I wrote a bit more than intended tonight huh? Ah well hope you enjoyed catching up with me.

"And joy comes in the morning.."

2010-08-23T01:35:00.000-04:00

I reference the 2nd part of the verse from Psalm 30:5 because that is where I feel I am right now. The verse says: "Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." and I have, in a sense, been "weeping" for a long time. Now, I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Joy has exploded in my life and although there is still a lot going on I haven't been this happy or this at peace in a very long time!

If you've kept up with my blog, you know that my divorce was final the end of July! It was as if as soon as the judge ruled, the clouds open and the heavens poured down upon me! I had a wonderful lunch with my Mom and my Nana and then while browsing through a gift shop I got a phone call which led me to a job interview! That job fell through, but the day after that first interview I landed one at a shop about five minutes from where my Dad works. I was called back the next day for a second interview and three days later I was hired!! I start that job on the 30th of this month! I am excited because it will be more hours which lead to a better paycheck, plus there are benefits after three months, and it will be a whole new experience! The downfall is that it means getting up 2 hours earlier than what I'm used to!

On top of the divorce being final, the new job practically falling in my lap (all praise goes to GOD for that!!), and finally feeling like I'm "free" again.....I am losing the house. It's okay though. I've done everything possible and maybe far more than most people would, to attempt to save it. But even if I kept it, I wouldn't be able to make payments AND do the repair work that's needed. So...I've signed a lease on a cute one bedroom apartment across town. I'm excited but anxious/nervous about moving away from "home"! Haha...25 and just now "moving away from home". Sounds kinda funny but its true! I've practically been in this neighborhood for all of the last 18 1/2 years (save for 7 months) ! I know the majority of the people here, if not by name, then at least by face or what car they drive. I'm at the front of the neighborhood so I feel like the "monitor" for everyone...who's coming/who's going and when! LOL!! I will miss not being right next door to my Nana, or able to literally walk down the street to my parents. I'll miss not being able to have my family walk by and 'drop' in to see me at random times!! And vice versa. I'll miss my yard (as cruddy as it can be at times); I'll miss my crepe myrtle trees, my azalea bushes, and my front flowerbed I've worked so hard on for the last 4 years!! This is silly but I'll miss my monkey grass!! I love cutting that back in the spring and watching it come back full and green!! Right now I'm not sure if I'll be able to take my porch swing with me and if I can't I'm ~~probably~~ for sure going to cry because that is the one place I love to be in my house when the weather is perfect. I am hoping to take it with me, though and be able to use it! I guess the majority of my emotions just goes back to the feeling of safety -- although in recent months my n'hood isn't so safe! -And on that same note I feel like it's my job to watch out for my family too and if I'm not here I won't know what's going on.....and it also goes back to being moved out of my comfort zone into uncharted territory. But as a good friend put it for me... it's a step of faith. This whole journey has been one step of faith after another. God hasn't failed me yet..why would He start now? He provided many ways for me to stay in the house as long as I have, He provided the money for bills and groceries, He provided the "tools" He knew I would need against Satan when Satan tried to pull me down into the pit of despair, He put the right people in the right place at the right time to encourage, inspire, love, and carry me through. He has been so good!! I'm so thankful that I chose to cling to Him through the rough times of the last year and half or so!! I can't imagine turning my back on God in something as awful as what I've been through. I think it's important to stop and share some verses from Romans with you. These are from Romans 8 and it starts in verse 31 (this is from the NIV version): " ³¹What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I am on the verge of starting three new classes at Trident Tech this week too. I'll be taking English, Art History, and a computer course this semester!! I just finished a crappy class from CSU that I almost failed! In fact, the final grades aren't anywhere close to being in so I really don't know what I have in it!! Anyway, three classes on top of a new job and moving is going to be quite the stress but I hope I can handle it and keep my GPA up! I'm hoping to be able to take the journalism and creative writing courses that are offered at tech. I want to get back to writing. I have a ton of unfinished "work" that I want to finalize and then I want to look into getting a book "really" published! And I especially want to get my kids book's written!!

This is going to be a very crazy semester for me!! What a great time in my life though!! Life is finally starting to look up and I can "look back and see how far I've come"! God has been working wonders in my life and I'm so thrilled that I can see that!! He has allowed me to through hell (and yes, I consider what I've been through to be "hell" for me!) and come out stronger on the other side so that I can minister to others who are in the shoes I've walked through. Whether its because they are going through a divorce or because they are lacking in faith or scared that people won't love them when they know the "real stuff", God has already used me several times to minister to them! I am so thankful that our God is a God who brings healing to the sick and brokenhearted and who is able to bring something wonderful out of the worst of our pain. Although there were times when it just didn't seem like it was ever going to get any better, I don't think I ever doubted God. I felt hopeless and ready to give up over and over, but I don't think I could say I doubted Him. He had me surrounded by guardian angels who refused to give up on me! Even if they had to repeat the same thing over and over to me!! He is SOO GOOD!!

This has been a journey of ups and downs, mountains and valleys, joys and trials. Yet at every turn God met me there. He met me and has taught me to better rely on Him ! He has given me the joy of tithing, He has given me the joy of being real with the people I care most about! He has given me the opportunity to be an instrument of healing in someone else's life -- that is all through Him, I take NO credit for it! He has given me peace about the things I've had to give up....yes that started with my marriage, and has now moved to my house. Like I said , though, it's okay. It's the step of faith that will make me stronger. God is opening the doors wide for me right now and I am ready to walk through them....backed by the support of family and friends who believe in me and will support me through anything.

I leave you with this verse, which also happens to be a beautiful song:

Isaiah 40:30-31

" Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

"This Classy & Sassy Carolina girl...."

2010-07-31T21:50:00.000-04:00

So yesterday, July 30, 2010 will forever be marked in my book as the day I became a MS.!!! (It's also my Mom's birthday!!)

Yes, July 30, 2010 "this Classy & Sassy Carolina girl declared her independence! By state of SC she is no longer a 'Mrs.'"!! The last 5 years of my life finally came to a triumphant close! I can't tell you how freeing that day felt!! I really thought I'd be a little sad but I was on Cloud 9 ALL day!! I was a little nervous at first but it was because of having to see my ex rather than the actual court hearing! It really seemed at times that that day would never come!! I went through hell to get there (yes, I said hell) but God held on to me and pulled me through every trial, even when I couldn't see Him working! He surrounded me with awesome people the last almost 2 years specifically because he knew just how much I would need those people in my life through this journey! I am so thankful for Catalyst--my church--who have picked me up and carried me through more times than I can count when I didn't think I could make it; when I wanted to give up and quit!! The love, encouragement, hope, laughs, tears, and joy that we've shared have been more than I ever imagined!!

There is are still many loose ends right now and the journey is far from over, but the divorce is final and that is a huge chapter that needed to close! Yes, my marriage ended in divorce but that's okay! I am a much better and happier person because of that! God has taught me a lot and truly I would do it all over again to become the person I am today.

I am excited, nervous, scared, and completely unsure of my next few steps in life. Right now I am still trying for that better/2nd job, and I'm in the process of transferring stuff to TTC and changing my major to Associate in Arts instead of business. I am probably, no, not probably, I AM going to lose the house one way or another. Whether I sell it, short sale it, or let it go to foreclosure, on my income I cannot afford it. I have kept it as long as possible, and now I have to be graceful as I let it go. Granted there are still a few things that could work out that would make it possible to keep it another few months but ultimately I have to get out. I just don't know exactly where to go or what to do. Rent is not cheap around here nor are there very many "good" places to rent at. I've been looking at other possibilities too but nothing has come as of yet.

I know exactly what I would like to happen, but right now it almost seems impossible. Well it does seem impossible! I keep saying I'd like to move out of town and experience something new. But I think I'm afraid that I would do that and then it wouldn't work out and I'd be stuck. But on the other hand, I don't want to get 5 or 10 years down the road wishing I would've done this and regretting that I didn't!!!! Argh!! Decisions!!

We'll see what pans out I guess. I'd like to pick up my writing career again too! Hoping to take some creative writing/journalism courses when I transfer to tech and get my cores out of the way!

I have found a new verse that has beautiful meaning to my life. Psalm 18:19 says, "He delivered me because He delighted in me." And an old favorite is Psalm 121: 1-2, " I will lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth."

My new "life" quote is as follows:

"Dance like nobody's watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's heaven on earth. Dance. Live. Laugh. Love. Sing."

Absolute Frustration

2010-07-06T00:10:00.000-04:00

Why does it seem like the harder I try to keep my head above water the deeper I sink? I just feel like the harder I try to work , and the harder I try to better my life I keep hitting roadblocks!! I'm so frustrated with it and so freakin' tired of it! I'm really, really at a loss as to what to do with my house, with my job situation, with not making enough money to pay the bills, with knowing I can't afford my house....with knowing that there are tons of job opportunities making decent money but that would require a move out of town for me. Trust me, I've considered it. I have GOT to find SOMETHING that will enable me to get back on my feet. Frankly, I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck and then not even making it with that. Some people have said in the past that I shouldn't live beyond my means. Well, excuse me, but I am most certainly not. I do not have cable TV, I do not have a gym membership, I don't go on fancy vacations, I hardly buy name brand items unless it is on sale, with a coupon and at a really good deal. I have my nails done once a month for ME because it is something for ME and makes me feel pretty, and because everyone has to have something that you do for yourself. I can't help it that I have a rip off of a mortgage payment, and utilities and such on top of that.
Argh!! Sorry for venting!! I'm just at a total loss right now. I feel so useless and I feel like no matter how hard I try it isn't enough. What's a girl to do!???!!!

On my mind..

2010-06-13T21:46:00.000-04:00

There is so much heartache surrounding the ones I love! It seems that every day I hear of something else happening to one of my dear ones! I am praying hard for all them and praying God can use me to comfort and encourage them!

Why does it seem like as soon as things have picked up and the pieces have started to be put back together that the whole thing falls apart again??

There's a spot in my life in which I have been extremely on cloud nine for more than a month now! That one chapter of my life..? Yeah its almost over and done with!! But the next chapter has already opened and unfolded some! That part of my life is amazing! It's an adventure I've enjoyed exploring and hope and pray there are more exciting adventures ahead on this journey! Monkey wrenches keep getting thrown in but I pray they are overcome! More about it to come in a future post!

However most of the rest of it....(not all!!) seems to keep dragging me under!! I am now in frantic search for better/more income. I keep trying to pick up hours at work, as stressed out as that place makes me (no offense to anyone I work with who might be reading this), and I keep sending my resume in to job postings. Now a good portion of this could have been prevented or fixed early on if I hadn't been so lazy and gotten a 2nd job last summer. But thats just the bottom line, I've been lazy about it. Hoping it would work out but not completely willing to rearrange my schedule to do so. (Not that I have a strict schedule or anything!). So now I'm busting my booty trying to figure out income.

I will admit although I am happy for them, I do get a bit jealous of my friends who seem to have it all working out for them. Seems like everyone but me is finding that perfect job, or that perfect house, or managing vacations to cool places or whatnot. I guess I just haven't been 'after it" enough. Maybe I haven't looked in the right places yet. But what are those places? I'll be putting out resumes and applications tomorrow. Maybe something will happen!

Catalyst continues to be awesome! We have a beach baptism coming up the end of the month and that will be exciting and fun! I can't wait!! The youth go to camp next week and I will be helping to chaperone them home that last day of camp! Its been a long time since I've set foot on Look Up Lodge ground! Sure do wish I could go for the whole week!! Maybe one day I'll be able to go as a leader again!

I'm dog sitting this weekend for my neighbors. A young, hyper, yellow lab!! He is very sweet but he is lacking in some manners and he licks everything (ME! EWW!)!! He has to be right behind you no matter where you are and he is the only dog I know that isn't interested in a kong!! So we walk and we throw the tennis ball and we hope to wear him out each day!! A tired dog is a good dog!!

In just less than a month it will be a year since my Papa died. It doesn't seem like it should be here already. I can still see that day like it was yesterday. And I still tear up and sob, too. I miss him so much!! He was such a huge part of my life for my entire life!! I keep wishing I could share things with him. I miss him more every day!

I've got to get back on track with eating right and Zumba again! I did well there for several months and have lost a total of 20 +/- pounds in the last year and half +/-! Still have a little ways to go though to be where I want to be. Even though I haven't been as active lately nor have I been eating well lately I haven't gained any weight back so I'm happy about that!! It was exciting to go through clothes I've held on to and find that a good many of them fit and some of them almost fit!! Its so hot out now that its miserable to do anything outside but I am going to try to get up a little earlier on my days off and walk in the early morning, and also try to walk right before it gets dark ! If not, then my 2nd attempt is to keep doing work outs inside in the AC!! :)

I have been reading the Baxter family series by Karen Kingsbury! If you haven't read it and you enjoy fiction, you may want to pick up the first book and keep reading on!! It is amazing and you will feel like you are right there in the midst of the Baxter family, through all their smiles, their tears, worries, fears, happiness, and sad times. They are amazing books! :0)

Speaking of, its off to find a glass of wine and pick up my book again!!

How I started Writing....

2010-06-03T23:28:00.000-04:00

This was written probably back in 2005/2006. I've had it stashed in a bunch of papers and decided I should probably type it up so I don't forget!! Back then, things were different! Oh how my life has changed since this was written. This is in the original format, has not been edited so please excuse any English errors!!

So, going back in time a little bit.....

"I began writing right before I began 9th grade. Justin was my influence to write after he shared the poem he wrote at camp with me. One day the words began to flow and my first official poem, "Friends", was formed.
As I continued my writing, most of which is poetry, many things in my life inspired me. The majority of my inspiration was from the people I knew. Overall, Christ has been my bigge3st inspiration. Other things in life, such as nature, life events: graduation, love, marriage, 9/11, births, deaths. All those and more spoke volumes to my heart and before I knew it, I had a ton of writings done!

I am not an artist--at least not a drawing artist, even though I did take an art class!! Poetry is my art--it is how I draw, how I paint; it is the art of my heart! Through my poetry, my life, love, life experiences, and feelings are captured.

My love for writing stems from my love of reading. i've read almost every book I could get my hands on--everything from Nancy Drew & The Saddle Club, to Nicholas Sparks, Janette Oke, and even more recently, Karen Kingsbury!

In addition to my poetry, I've also written short stories, drama's, and even a children's book! "

Easter Post

2010-06-03T23:13:00.000-04:00

This should've been posted at Easter time......

Easter weekend was perhaps the greatest weekend I've had in a while. Saturday was work and I helped Dad load the trailer for camping. Then I took a catnap, we went to a birthday party for a friend and then Lauren and I went off to church. A surprise awaited us in the form of a T-shirt with our church's "phrase" on it! It was so cool to watch everyone put theirs on as they bought them!!

Preaching was awesome and it amazes me every week how much the message reaches far and wide.
Being that it was the first Saturday, it was Famulari's night and boy did we have a crowd! In fact, there were so many of us that we ended up gathering outside for the majority of the night. As the restaurant cleared out some of us moved inside. There were lots of good times and good laughs had that night!!

Easter Sunday was a beautiful day!! I got up early to see my parents and my sisters off to camp and I got so much done that morning while waiting for them to be ready to go!!

I had a huge surprise up my sleeve for my Nana that Sunday morning. I decided to surprisse her and go to their church's Easter Cantata!! I really surprised her!! It was great to see a bunch of people I used to go to church with. Also saw one of my youth that was all grown up!! Now that will make you feel old!!
After another great preaching service, we went to the Pastor's house for Easter dinner. The food was wonderful and the company was fantastic!! It was great and so awesome to spend some time with old friends and catch up! I had a song in my heart and on my lips the entire day!! Many good laughs were shared and it was just a wonderful time shared by all!!!

Faded Love

2010-05-24T12:59:00.000-04:00

Amazing how things we wrote years ago in our lives fit our life today. I wrote this back in 2002. Can't even remember what inspired it back then. But as I read through it recently I realized that it applies directly to my life over the course of the last year or so!! Wow!!

10-17-02

Like cooling breezes on humid summer days,

And feathers lifting in a hurricane,

I knew your love was quickly fading away,

Surprisingly, your image left my brain.

My heart was shattered and broken in two,

I remember clearly from way back then

It felt like I never would forget you,

How could I know that’s where it all began?

Crossing my fingers and holding my breath,

I waited for that awful time to pass.

Slipping away into what felt like death

Nothing could hold me, not even glass.

Your love faded and my life went on,

Everything felt right, once you were gone.

~~J Garner 2002~~

Rambles

2010-05-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

This was supposed to be posted back in April....oops!!

Here I sit on a Wednesday night----one week ago, this time last week I was sitting around the campfire having a good time with extended family up on the mountain! Great times, good food, and amazing people! I miss them all incredibly!! Can't wait for the next camping trip!

I have 2 weeks left of class for this school year. This current class that I'm taking is on principles of management and has been the most interesting and most fun class of all 6 that I've taken. The teacher really knows how to get her students involved and how to engage them into the lessons!

Looking forward to Saturday night to get here!! I've missed my church family incredibly while I was gone and now I've had to wait another week to see most of them! We had ladies Bible study Monday night and I ended up having lunch with one of my great friends today but I still miss the rest of them!

Amazing

2010-04-24T07:05:00.000-04:00

God is so amazing! He is allowing one chapter of my life to come to a close but He is already showing me glimpses of the next chapter that awaits to be written and lived!! I have to say that I am excited!! He has done so many amazing things in my life in just the last year! I feel like I know Him better now than I have ever before! I am incredibly grateful for everyone He has put into my life to make me a stronger person! I have been richly blessed and I am forever grateful!
I am finally feeling happy again and lovin' life and ready to live it! FOR ME! Not for anyone else, but FOR ME! I don't feel like I've really lived life for myself, but for others, or what others have expected. Its time I followed MY dreams, etc.....and this year is a new beginning! New things are happening and I'm ready to walk that road! I'm ready for that journey! I'm so ready to find out all the things that are awaiting me!
My cup runneth over....................

Updated: 25 Random Things about ME! :)

2010-04-17T22:57:00.000-04:00

***This is from my facebook page a while back!~! I thought I update it some repost!!****

1. ...love to watch CSI: Miami & NY, Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice!

2. ...do not have cable TV; do not even truly have TV! I watch my shows on the internet!!

3. ...have given up sodas and almost given up french fries!~

4. ...am dying to get debt paid off! GO DAVE RAMSEY!

5. ...love, love, love saxophone and guitar music!

6. ...wish I had a bigger house and lots of land!

7. ...was born in Fairbanks, AK...dont' believe me? ask my parents!!

8. ...absolutely love the smell of fresh clean sheets!

9. ...am 25 (almost) and went back to school last fall!

10. ...would sit and read for hours if I could.

11. ..have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 18 years.

12. ...live next door to my Nana and 4 doors down from my parents.

13. ..hate to get out of bed in the mornings but love being up early!

14. ...hate to be out in the dark alone...even on my front porch!

15. ...cannot stand backyard breeders or people who wont get their animals fixed!! Maybe they should go look at the shelters and see where their puppies end up! There should be strict, mandatory tests to pass for anyone to breed & there should be a nationwide LAW that any dog/cat not for breeding is to be fixed!! (ok stepping off the soapbox now!)

16. ...am a poet and an author...and have 3 more books in my head!

17. ...cannot stand my house to be dirty or unorganized!

18. ...have never broken a bone in my body or had measles/chicken pox, etc (and pray I never do!).

19. ...love cucumbers but hate pickles!

20. ...absolutely love CAMPING!!

21. ...love playing the piano but really can't play very well!

22. ...do not and have never had any wisdom teeth!

23. ...love, love, love Eeyore, GRITS (Girl Raised in the South); anything with the Palmetto emblem; monogrammed initials....anything girly!

24. ...would love to go to Florida to see white sand and clear water; Montana/Colorado to see rolling green meadows in the mountains; Kentucky to see the bluegrass and the Kentucky Derby; Maine to see the tip top of the East Coast; Chincoteague to see the Chincoteague ponies; Alaska to see my family and re-experience it; Disney World because, well, its Disney World!!

25. ...would love to have my own bookstore someday!

Remembering

2010-04-02T20:52:00.001-04:00

Sitting here thinking again. Enjoying the gentle breeze as I sit in my front porch swing. Oh how I love this swing! I love hearing the crickets sing, the birds chirp, got the radio on in the background...fresh spring air-oh how I love it! The sky is beautiful as it turns all shades of orange and red and fades into the night sky. I feel a change coming and its times like this one that I finally feel hope again. It seems to fade during the day but there's something about finding that special spot that brings back the feeling that everything will be okay.

Spring is definitely here. Flowers and trees are blooming, the days are getting warmer, uh, hotter...birds are everywhere, and the bugs are finding their way out (ugh)! The geese fly over head and honk their greeting. I know most of them are headed north to stay cool. The air smells fresh and clean, and though its pollen-filled right now, I can't get enough of it. I am such a nature girl. Though I hate the heat and the bugs, I truly love to be out in God's creation! There is something about it that brings you closer to Him!

It is April now. OH and the whippoorwills are out, which means the bob-whites will be out soon. It brings back tons of memories of Papa. We used to sit on the porch and listen to the birds and try to mimic them. He was pretty good at it. I miss him so much. I can't believe its been nine months since he's been gone. It doesn't take much for me to break down in tears when I think of him. Oh I know I'll see him again but he was such a huge part of my entire life!!

I have been thinking too about this last year of my life and how much it has changed. This time last year...although we fought like crazy, my husband was still at home. He left a few weeks later. So its been just about a year since that happened. So much has happened to me since then. I know I have become a stronger person because of it and I pray I've become a better Christian because of it. I have learned a lot about myself since last April and I have done a lot of things that I may have not otherwise done. I went back to school for one thing, I started attending Zumba classes, I traveled to GA to see family, I started and have nearly finished my t-shirt quilt, I have made new friends and made stronger relationships with the ones I've always had. I have decluttered a lot of stuff in the house and re-organized the rest. I started couponing and getting more for my money. I started tithing again on a regular basis. I've watched friends get engaged, married, and have babies. I've spent more time with family and friends and less time worrying about getting "things" done. Although I still get in my moods! LOL! I watched my sisters grow up another year older.

As memories were made, many more memories weren't that in a normal course of a year would have been. There were no holidays trips to see my in-laws, no "vacation" weekends in Greenville, no joyous moments as we paid yet another debt off, no midnight trips to get ice cream just for the heck of it (we did that once and it was so much fun!), no dinner and movie dates, no dancing in the middle of the living room to our own music.........oh the list could go on. It is a bittersweet time for me....this whole "divorce" thing is almost over, and yet, a chapter of my life is on the last page. I am moving on as best I can right now, but there are still many times when I just want to rewind or wake up and find that it was all a bad dream. That's normal I guess, but it doesn't make it easier. When he left, he took more than his stuff. He took a part of me; he took a piece of my heart. God is healing it, one piece at a time.

My church family has grown by leaps and bounds (not necessarily in numbers) and I am daily amazed at how connected we are and forever grateful for those awful awful events that led to the birth of Catalyst. It is hard to believe we've only been together a little over a year. It is hard to describe the amazing-ness of Catalyst. It is so real, so refreshing! Our pastor preaches the truth at any cost and we are so thankful. We are not a "huge" church in numbers but that doesn't matter to us. What matters is that we keep building the foundation on the Rock, and that we reach out to the community and share that foundation. I am very excited for our Easter service tomorrow evening!

Some nights I sit here and hate the fact that I'm alone. That there is no one to come home and no one coming home to me. No one to share dinner with and no one to cuddle up next to in bed. No one to text me all day and say "I love you" or share some silly thought. It's life though and it's okay. I'm just reflecting, so please don't feel sorry for me.

As I said earlier there is a change coming and I can feel it. I don't know what it is but I pray its good! I've had enough "bad" lately! I am determined to change my income level this year! I'm determined to finish my quilt and I'm determined to get some scrap book pages done. Not to mention to continue to get rid of stuff that I don't need or don't use. I am praying for more income so that I can afford my bills. I hate not being to pay anything!! I am getting better at my "budgeting"....though I'm not yet curbed my "un-necessary" spending habit. It's not as bad as some and I certainly do not use credit cards but I need to be better at it.

A change is coming for me physically too. I am determined to get back into shape (besides round) and to continue to learn how to eat better. Okay so I don't really want to be pencil thing but I want to cut the flab and trim down!! I have lots of favorite "summer" dresses that I haven't worn in a few years because they truly make me look prego, which would be fine if I was, but I'm NOT!! Anyway---the point is that this year I will not sit on my butt and wish! I'm going to DO !! And please feel free to keep me on my toes and accountable!

I suppose that's all my thoughts for now. Time to plug the laptop back in and get a shower. My book and my bed are calling to me...more packing follows work tomorrow. Hopefully will get around to vacuuming tomorrow and I'll finish the laundry and such Sunday/Monday. I hate coming home to a dirty house after vacation so I have to clean it some beforehand! Sure wish I had tomorrow off! Will be incredibly thankful if I can find a job that is M-F and no weekends!!

Misc Murmurings

2010-04-01T22:54:00.000-04:00

What a flippin week! Here I am 5 days away from vacation and I'm so stressed out!! Forgive me if all I do is vent in this blog!! It has just been one of those weeks. I truly to do not know what I'm going to do. It seems like my "year" from hell wont' end. Please do understand that most of this is just because I'm stressed and I need to vent!! I do recognize that I have come far and I do know that there are great things ahead of me. And while most of the time I'm fine and dandy...it doesn't take much to pull that out from under me and then I fall back into the "stressed out" mood! I will be the first to admit that my days off are my favorite days! What I wouldn't do to be able to have my own schedule and be my own boss!!

For the longest time I have not been terribly stressed about money but now its weighing heavily! It is so hard to trust my God above with this area even though He has not failed me yet! I have been searching for employment that will better pay the bills and hopefully have some medical benefits, and everything I apply for seems to fall through. I cannot continue as I am. I fear that I am going to have to totally rearrange my schedule and find a night job somewhere...probably in a restaurant even though I hate the thought of that. Seems like the harder I look the less I find. There have been several jobs I've seen that look real good but they are out in Mt P and Charleston! Doesn't seem hardly worth the drive because of the cost of gas and the time spent driving! I feel like I have been looking high and low and there is nothing out there! I'm so tired of being poor and not being able to pay my bills!!

Backtracking....last Friday was another good day! I ran errands Friday morning, got my hair cut (SHORT) and then walked the Flowertown Festival with my friend. We had a great time and enjoyed good conversation and good laughs. I worked Saturday but had Catalyst Sat night! Woo Hoo!! Sunday I dont remember doing much and Monday was good too for the most part. Met a friend for breakfast and we worked on a couple projects we have going, then ran a few errands and went back home. Started packing for my camping trip and ended up just not having the motivation. But ended the evening with a Bible study with my peeps which was really great!

Right now I'm tired and grumpy so I think I'll sign off and get some sleep! Such an incredibly busy day tomorrow! Thinking about walking 3 miles with my dog in the morning, shower, more packing and cleaning, nails done at 12 (so I dont totally destroy them at camp), and then more packing and cleaning and maybe Zumba class in the evening! I'm really enjoying the Zumba classes!! Fun and definitely cardio packed!

Random Tidbits

2010-03-31T22:45:00.001-04:00

It is hard for me to believe that it has really been a year since my husband left me. Since the person I thought was my best friend left and with him took more than just his stuff. He took a part of me, a piece of my heart. God has been faithful though through this last year to help heal some of those wounds and I am desperately trying to learn how to let Him heal the rest of them. He has provided over and over, and yet I still find myself, "if only", "what if"...........!

More Writings & FANTASTIC FRIDAY

2010-03-19T22:21:00.001-04:00

More writings tonight. My brain has been on overload and I decided that I need to start writing more! There is a lot I want to do and when I make a list or make it public my tendency to do it is greater! This has been a super rough week but today (Friday) was super super AWESOME!!! It was a beautiful day outside --FLIP FLOP & T-Shirt weather!!! As much as I love the cold I'm ready for some spring weather (key word, spring).

So FANTASTIC FRIDAY started out with my Dad calling to ask if I could take my youngest sister to the bus for school. My day started a bit earlier than expected but that was okay. I only got about 3 hours of sleep (yes another late night) but amazingly I was quite refreshed!! So I got up and did a quick 5 min warm up workout (literally) and took my sis to the bus. Then I wanted to go back to sleep but I was proud of myself because I didn't. I did sit in bed on face-book for a while but I didn't give in and go back to bed! Dressed and out the door for an early morning nail appointment, then to the used book store, over across town to pay the sewer bill, stopped to pay the water bill and found out I had already paid it. THAT was a nice surprise!! Drove through a couple pretty neighborhoods to pass a few extra minutes I had and then met up with my friends to deliver donuts from the fundraiser our youth did to raise money for camp!! We spent the next 4 hours sorting, counting, delivering, and selling donuts!! I'm not sure of the totals but I'm so proud of our kids because they did a great job! Came home, then delivered some more donuts, ran to Publix, and finally got to come home for the night. Walked a mile with the dog and then did an intense workout via you-tube. Took a relaxing shower and had a yummy salad and glass of wine for dinner. Now sitting here typing a blog.

I am determined to get myself back to a healthier body. One thing I love about this time of year is the longer days! Getting up while its still dark is worth it to have a couple extra hours after work of daylight. My goal this week is to walk 2-mile intervals as many times as possible. I feel certain I can get 8-10 miles in this week! I'm also going to take a Zumba class this week and see if I like it. I really am trying to cut down on the carbs and the junk. I don't drink soda, I don't eat many potato chips (if I do they are baked!), and as far as dairy I use skim milk and low-fat or fat free cream cheese/reg. cheese, etc. This year I'm also giving up french fries for fruit or salad when I eat out. Carbs when eating out will be a challenge....hamburgers, chicken sandwiches, rolls at the steakhouse, etc. If I do eat out its generally a sandwich on wheat, so its not a terrible choice but still.

My flowers are all starting to bloom out front. Especially my bulbs that my sister and I planted last fall. I love flowers!! I have been fighting the urge to go buy more to plant. I really want a snap dragon plant and some marigolds! I need to get my garden started too or its gonna be too late to get a start on it! Tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, carrots maybe, and probably a few other plants are what I'm going to try to get in this year.

It is almost time to start having to mow grass again. I actually like mowing grass, its the heat that kills me! But I'm looking forward to it because of the mulch that I will be able to put into my garden and compost pile! And I love the smell of fresh cut grass!!

More goals for 2010: Finish my t-shirt quilt (almost there!!); read through the pile of un-read books; mend blankets and dog beds that are sitting around the house; organize scrapbook stuff; get my windshield replaced; find a better paying job or an additional one; walk every possible evening after work and on days off; do things for me without being irresponsible!

I have decided that I am going to have some beach days all to myself this summer....Grab a book, a chair, the Ipod, sunscreen, water and a towel and GO! Just to....be. Nothing more nothing less. Oh yes, have to take the baby powder to knock sand off afterwards, flip flops, sunglasses, camera, and a note book (can't leave home without it, might get inspired.) Aww...just the thought of that relaxes my racing mind and heart!

More later on "a year ago"; "gentle goals"; replay of "favorite things" list....

Questions & Reflections

2010-03-18T00:26:00.000-04:00

Sitting here listening to some of my old favorites--music that is. I grew up loving John Denver and I pretty much have his whole collection and know all of his songs! To me, his music is soothing, real, beautiful, relaxing.

It's been a rough day, a rough week, a rough year for that matter. January was awful! I was taking an extremely difficult to understand class with an even worse teacher; fostering a super hyper dog whom wouldn't obey or listen; and living in utter chaos because I was too depressed to clean house, cook, or even pay bills. February was a little better. But then March has just been a LION! I am so tired of it! I'm tired of school, I'm tired of my job, I'm tired of the being unorganized, I'm tired of my house falling apart, I'm tired of not making much more than what my house payment is every month and not seeming to find either a better job or a 2nd job to make up the difference. I'm just tired! I want to retreat! To go hide somewhere! I will soon....camp is just 20 days away!

Today has not been the greatest either. Although I have to admit that the majority of my stress comes from work. That in and of itself is another blog entry that is better left private because of the grapevine that is out there. My heat is still out and although I could probably run it on Emergency heat, #1 when I turned it on it smelled bad, and #2 I have a sneaky feeling that probably would run my power up. The advantage to my heat being out is that my power bill for March shouldn't be too high ! HAHA! But its at the cost of being chilly--which normally I wouldn't mind but it was cold out today with rain and no sun!

I had to have my water heater and surrounding floor replaced recently, which means I had to take everything out of the closet where the heater is at. I now have half the amount of closet because the water heater is larger than the original. So my Christmas tubs still fit but I had to move my linen closet out. It is now in the closet of the extra bedroom; the one I keep hoping to rent out. Probably will get a "bite" now that I'm actually trying to use all that empty/wasted space. I have been working in the extra bedroom (one of 3 junk rooms) and have ran across a bunch of stuff that doesn't have a good home.

That stuff included a box full of scrapbook pages, and a briefcase full of "book" items from the book my "soon-to-be-ex" and I wrote/published. What do you do with 5 years of your life? What do you do with things that were a result of "us" ? And will you always feel like your connected to that person? How do keep memories that you know one day will make you smile but right now just make you want to cry again? What do you do with a trunk full of wedding stuff? A wedding dress that was the most expensive thing you had ever bought up to that day in your life? Your dream dress that you wouldn't dare wear a 2nd time, but yet don't want to get rid of it just yet or ever? What do you do with the rings that with them you vowed "til death do us part" , "in sickness, and in health; for richer or for poorer"; that have the special inscription on the inside of them that was supposed to be a lifelong promise and reminder of Who the love was built on?? The necklace you were given on your first date? Not to mention all the pictures and letters from that once-special person?

Memories like this just simply shut me down right now. I have so many questions with no answers and that bothers me. I'm pulling up to yet another crossroads in my life and I'm stuck. It has been almost a year. And it seems that the closer that year gets here, the harder it gets to keep walking. Maybe because the anger and hatred is gone, maybe because its the ending of a chapter of my life; maybe because its just plain sad. I miss my in-law family and even though I know they would welcome me with open arms and even though I know they still love me, its awkward! I do wanted to keep the trips to see them going but so far its only happened once. They will always be family to me, no matter what! Some people I know don't understand that, but you don't just throw away a whole group of people because one of them hurt you!

What do you do when the very thought of a very special grandparent sends you almost to hysterics because you miss them so much? When the memory of their death is as if it happened yesterday? Does the pain ever go away?

I am turning 25 this year and I look back and ask myself what do I have to show for the last 5 years? A marriage that ended in divorce; a house that costs more than its worth and has too many problems to count or keep up with; a go-nowhere job that I'm not happy at; multiple half-finished or barely-started projects that drive you crazy every time you look at them! I did graduate high school (more than 5 years ago); started back to college; helping to build a church; made new friendships and relationships; renewed old friendships; raised a dog from a pup; went camping for the first time 3 years ago this spring and have gone every year since; bought 2 cars...only 1 has been a keeper; paid off a credit card that brought a lot of pain to my life; started a blog!; went through a ga-zillion jobs; turned into a person who doesn't take crap from many people anymore. There's always good mixed in with the bad but its hard to see it sometimes!

There is so much I want to accomplish this year. I just dont know where to start.

March--in like a Lion...out like a Lamb?

2010-03-07T01:41:00.001-05:00

Here it is....March 2010 already! Only the 3rd month in the year and so much has happened already!! Most of it "drama llama" !! There is an incredible amount of stuff going on and I'm so ready for a vacation!!

The first part of February we got SNOW!! Yes REAL SNOW!!!

And it stuck!!! It was sooo gorgeous! I was like a kid in the candy store!! Rosco loved the snow and I even took the cats out in it!! Of course we were without power for several hours and other people were without it for the whole weekend but the snow was amazing!! Everything looked soo pretty and I took over 300 pictures! (Of course my sister beat me and took a couple thousand!). It has been years since I've seen snow and never enough to really remember it! My house looks good covered in snow!

30 days til PWYP!! The annual survival camping trip we take each year! I am so excited and I absolutely cannot wait to get there!! It will be so much fun reuniting with friends and enjoying a week away from technology (most of it) and away from drama and stupid people!! Cooking on the campfire, sleeping in the tent listening to the sounds of nature, playing in the creek, kayaking on the lake...and just having the opportunity to do nothing and enjoy it!

Catalyst is continually sooo awesome!! I am incredibly thankful for each person who makes up Catalyst and I'm so thankful they are in my life! I am so thankful that we have a pastor who speaks the truth and who makes us laugh every week at crazy analogies that amazingly reference the TRUTH in ways we'd never have thought! It is a blast on our monthly Famulari's trip too! !(Thats a local pizza joint that we basically take over the first Saturday of the month to fellowship after church!). The people there are so awesome, the food is delicious and its always a night of fun, lots of laughs and good times!! I'm glad we've made it a tradition!

School is okay. I still have a 4.0 GPA but I really only think its because the classes are online and open book. The last class was painfully hard and the teacher was NOT very good!! So far this current class is okay. Mostly excel work which is easy for me as I've worked with MS Office for as long as I can remember!! I'm hoping to be able to take some core credits this year but it will all depend on financial aid. I don't really want to take out too much in loans because my debt to income ratio is too high as it is and I may need to try to refinance the house when my divorce is final. So that means that I am waiting to find out about pell grants. Since I'm a part time student there aren't many scholarships available --- mostly scholarships seem to go to full time students!

Work is...well...work. I can't say it pays the bills but I guess it helps a little bit. I've picked up some odd jobs here and there but I'm looking for something more stable. I'm not looking forward to working 2-3 jobs but its what is going to have to happen. I know exactly what I need to bring home to break even. Hopefully something will start to work out very very soon!!

Well the majority of the drama lately has settled around my house..almost literally. For a while now I've noticed a 'not-so-nice" smell when entering my house and standing in the laundry room or the master closet. So I decided to clean out my tupperware cupboard, which is beside the fridge and on the same wall as my closet. I pull everything out and notice that the back of it looks wet. So Mom comes down to help me look and she sees water at the base of the wall behind the fridge. So we look at the water heater and it is sitting in a puddle of water and the walls around it are wet!!! ARGH!! The only thing we can figure is the water heater or its piping is leaking....it doesn't seem to be from the piping but I guess one can't be sure until the heater is taken out huh? Of course that means that the floor has to be replaced too (oh darn). So I have a friend who will replace both for me, I just have to buy the water heater. The electric company will reimburse me $200 for the heater so I will end up only paying about $100 for it. However finding the time to arrange it is a challenge.

So then I wake up Friday morning and my house is only 60 degrees and my "heat" is blowing ICE COLD FREEZING air!! Full blast and my auxilary heat is one!!! I'm like, what the heck?!?! I turn off the unit and post to facebook asking friends for referrals!~ (I got tons!!) Called one company and the guy comes out and is very sweet and very honest....the system I have is too small for the house, as ancient as can be, and is not worth trying to repair. I have to replace the whole system. Just $3200 (approx)! Pocket change right? Yikes!! So right now I'm managing with no heat in my house and probably will not have AC to start the summer out. May have to invest in a couple of big fans this year! I certainly do not have that money lying around and I cannot imagine how its going to work out. I will go through this summer without AC if I have to but I really dont want to. Guess I'd have to find a window unit or two if it came down to that. No heat is bad enough (although easier to deal with) but no AC? Yikes!

My attitude sucks when I'm beyond stressed and I really do not deal with it very well. I am mopey and moody, and basically have a big pity party! I dont mean to I just dont like chaos and hate it when it cant be fixed without money. I'm not asking to be rich I just want to be able to break even at the end of the month and be able to pay a little bit extra off on debt!!

I REALLY want to get my car paid off!! Then start stashing $$ into savings and work on either the house or the student loans (even though they aren't technically "due" until 6 months after I graduate).

My divorce should be final in the coming months. Its been a long and at times painful journey but God is shaping me through it. Someone asked me a few days ago if I would do it all again knowing what I know now. The simple answer to that is yes, I would. I would because it has made me who I am today. Even knowing all the pain that I've gone through I would still do it over. There are many things I would want to change but overall I would say yes again. Many people still think that I should stay angry at my soon to be ex and should hate him and shun him from the face of the earth but I don't. I don't hate him and I certainly don't wish any harm to him. Yes, I want him to be responsible for his actions and yes, I want the courts to do what needs to be done, but no, I am not going to be childish and hold a grudge. Yes, I was very angry for a long time but somewhere in the last few months God has washed that anger away and whats left in its place is pretty much just a sadness of the reality of the whole situation. Two wrongs don't make a right and there is no need to stay ugly if the two parties can agree to disagree and at least be on speaking terms, or just be polite to each other when needed. So as crazy as some people will think I am, I know that I have come to this crossroads on whether or not to be a "big girl" about it because God is still in control. He is still shaping my life and commanding my heart. Anyway..

There is a lot more drama entailed but its probably best if its not broadcasted right now!!

I am going next weekend down to a local mall and auditioning for the Wheel of Fortune Charleston show! I think it would be so cool to play on that show!! I have loved it all my life and used to solve the puzzles long before the contestants! I think I get that from my Nana! :)

Chonda Pierce is coming to Summerville and I can't wait to go see her!! I've heard lots about her and somehow she is actually related to my pastor! And then DAVE RAMSEY is coming to Charleston the next week!! I am so pumped about that!! I am a huge DR fan!! www.daveramsey.com

Well since its after 1 am I suppose thats all for tonight, er this morning!! Going to Magnolia's this afternoon with friends for a local rescue fundraiser, but first got to run out to the store to pick up papers, strawberries and a couple rainchecks!

Ready!

2009-12-06T02:33:00.002-05:00

I'm ready. For what you ask? I'm not sure what it is that I'm ready for, but I'm ready. I'm ready to see what new things God is going to do for me in this coming year. I'm ready to see what awesome things He is going to do with my church, Catalyst. I'm ready. I'm ready to "Run the race...to win the prize..."; I'm ready to see what great things He has in store for me.

I'm ready to do what I need to do to pay off bills and debt and build savings. I'm ready to find a small, cozy place to call my own that I can afford. I'm ready for new beginnings.

Catalyst was really, super awesome tonight! We talked about Job and how he had everything taken from him except his life and he praised God through every tragedy he faced. We talked about Christmas and what it is really all about. We talked about the names in Genesis 5: Adam, Seth, Enosh, Kenan, Mahalalel, Jared, Enoch, Methuselah, Lamech, & Noah. We talked about how these names mean (in order): Man, Appointed, Mortal, Sorrow, The Blessed God, Shall Come Down, Teaching, His death shall bring, The Despairing, Rest/Comfort. Do you see the beautiful message that is in Genesis 5, almost hidden in all those names? Read it again...."Man was Appointed, but he was Mortal, full of Sorrow. The Blessed God Shall Come Down Teaching and His death shall bring The Despairing, Rest & Comfort." What a beautiful promise that was made. Now, reread the meaning for "Jared"...."Shall Come Down". That's what Christmas is all about...about how Christ "came down" for us!! I love finding the "hidden" promises like these!!!

This is why I am ready! I am fired up and ready to roll!! Nothing like a beautiful night of preaching with amazing and wonderful friends and family to get you fired up and ready to roll for GOD! And since it's the first Saturday of the month, we went to Famulari's (a local pizza joint), and enjoyed some great pizza and awesome fellowship!

It is time....time to pull out Christmas decorations and put the tree up. Time to scrub the house down and reorganize. Time to enjoy friends and family who come to call. Time to clear out all the clutter....household clutter and "body" clutter too. Time to start fresh. Time to prioritize responsibilities and stay on top of things. It is time. There's beautiful weather outside, Christmas music on the radio, bright stars in the sky, holiday happenings around town, presents to buy and wrap...and unwrap too! Time for family gatherings, ham & turkey & all the fixings. Time to treasure our friends (and our family!!). Time to remember why we're here....to remember that there is a HIGHER calling! "This world is not my home, I'm just passing through."

As we move on into the Christmas season, full steam ahead....stop and remember the REASON for the SEASON! No greater gift has been given than that of Jesus Christ! His birth was the greatest gift of all and we are so blessed to be able to celebrate it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!

~~~JR~~~

Amazing

2009-12-03T23:33:00.002-05:00

Just a very quick blog here to update...hopefully more details soon!
Today has been a very good day!! Not only did I get a check in the mail for the refund of my student loans (excess not needed for this year), but at the BMA meeting tonight (school meeting), we were informed that come May 2010 there will be a new system to the online classes!! And new classes, cores and electives, will also be available online!! BUT the best part of this meeting is that come MAY....there will no longer be a mandatory weekly meeting!! THIS IS AWESOME because it means that I will be able to be a part of my small group!! I of course, want to be a part of it between Jan and May but at least I know that in May I will definitely be a part of it!!

God is soo good!! He has provided EVERY SINGLE MONTH this year! One month at a time and for sure not in MY time, but He has provided over and over and over and I just don't know how to thank Him enough!! I would normally stress terribly over bills not getting paid and such, but the last few times ends haven't met, I've just been like, "oh well, it will get paid when it gets paid. Something will give soon." And sure enough, every time, God makes a way for a little extra money to come my way!! I am so very thankful!

Romans 5 has stuck with me ever since we talked about it in small groups...."Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Ever since I started to tithe again, and ever since I began to depend solely on HIM again, everything has fallen into place time and time again. It is nothing I am doing....it is all GOD!! It is all HIS hands at work in my life. He has provided financially, emotionally, mentally, physically; He has provided the right person in my life at the right time; the right song on the radio or verse in my head; the right lesson or sermon at church; the right place at the right time. I am continually amazed at how AMAZING it is to watch GOD work in MY life!! Yes, in MY LIFE!!

In other news, Christmas season is now upon us! As usual I've waited til the last minute to get Christmas presents ready so now I'm scrambling. Got lots of good ideas and just trying to figure out how to put them together.

Last weight check I'd lost a total of 13lbs and almost 2 sizes this year. Finally below 140! (Yes, I just put that on blogger for all the world to see!!!) I've got 20-25 lbs left to go to meet my goal!! Another 3-4 sizes to go too. I've been walking a lot Friday-Monday, and for the most part I've been eating better but these last 2 weeks have been off---a lot of junk food and carbs found their way into my mouth! Well, thats okay because tomorrow is a new day and I can start over! I am proud that I've made it this far, even if it did take me this long to get here!! :)

I am almost ready to sew the first row of my quilt together!! I have to cut one more square and then I'm ready to roll....er...sew!! I'm so excited!! I cannot wait to put this together!! This row defines the rest of my blanket! I have pics posted on my facebook!!

That's about all for now!!! Busy weekend/week ahead of me! Best get some sleep so I can make it through! ;)

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T23:18:00.003-05:00

This is a post I sent in to a coupon site who was doing a "I'm thankful for..." blog for Thanksgiving. If you are reading this, I'm thankful for YOU! For what you bring into my life, for the joy of knowing you, and for the friendship I have with you!!

I am so very thankful for my Heavenly Father and the promises that He keeps to His children!! He has held me up through a very, very tough 2009 and has poured out blessings over and over on me. My life fell apart, or so it seemed, in the spring when my husband left me. Through Gods grace and my incredible family and church family, I walked through the tough times this trial has brought me and have seen Gods amazing hand at work over and over and over in every aspect of my life this year. It is only through His grace that I was able to “let go and let God” where my marriage was concerned, where my bills were concerned, where every aspect of life was concerned. I am continually amazed at and thankful for the work He is doing in my life. He has provided income every time it seemed that the bills wouldn’t get paid. He has provided words of comfort, encouragement, strength, peace, and wisdom at every turn through friends, family, His Word, my small group, my church, a song on the radio, a friends blog….so many very different ways He has provided!!

I am so very thankful for the blessings that couponing has afforded me, both for myself and for the people I’ve been able to bless with the coupon system. I am thankful for the money saved and the stocked pantry/freezer. I am forever thankful for the family that I have who has stood beside me and supported me in any way possible. I’m forever grateful for my friends who have stood by me in thick and thin. My church family is just incredibly awesome and I’m thankful for the chaotic events of 2008 that led to the birth of my church today! I am so thankful that God has a plan, and that he makes something good come from something we see as bad.

I am thankful for the little things in my life….a roof over my head, a well-running car, a job, good neighbors, food in my pantry, clothes on my back, friends, my dog, my cats, good health, fall weather, a good book to read, my front porch swing…and so much more!!

November...a New Month

2009-11-01T23:04:00.002-05:00

It is November! A new month with new goals! I have a lot that I want to accomplish and if I write it down it has more of a chance of getting done that if I just say it. So for this first week of November...my biggest goal is to lose 2 lbs. That is a huge goal for me and will include increased exercise and less junk food.

Here is my potential "schedule" for this week:

Monday---day off; run errands; 10 min workout; 2 miles + walk/jog; clean house; find 2 recipes to cook this week

Tues---work; 10 min workout during lunch;

Wed—work; 10 min workout at lunch; class (no walk)

Thurs---work; 2-3 miles in PM (break from 10 min workout)/homework

Friday—day off; chiropractic appointment; potential hour walk with friend; errands; 2 miles+ (if AM walk doesn’t happen)

In the midst of all this I want to cook at least twice this week (got chicken thawing for rolled Italian chicken) which includes a main dish, a veggie, and a potential bread recipe. This week I also want to clean my windows and clean out my fridge/freezer. But I dont want to spend all of my days off doing chores. I'm learning to let some things go so that I can enjoy life, the beautiful weather, friends and family. I'm also learning to continually praise, worship, and seek God! Its amazing the perspective of life you have when your focus is on Him! He makes all things new and He is faithful.

A friend of mine and I are challenging each other to find ways to live frugally, eat better, exercise more and get our houses back in shape (both physically and mentally, spiritually and emotionally). So together hopefully we will encourage and inspire each other to accomplish some of our goals. To have that accountability partner in life makes all the difference sometimes and it's really awesome to have someone to bounce around ideas and thoughts.

My journey this year has been a roller coaster. It has been up and it has been down. I've been on top of the mountain and I've been in the lowest of valleys. But always my God has been right there ...pulling me through and holding me close. Through the trials and tribulations that 2009 has brought my way, God has been pursuing me. He has been molding me and He has been preparing me. I have chosen to praise Him and to serve Him while I'm waiting for His works to unfold. I've chosen to be faithful and to listen to Him ... in return He has blessed me over and over and over. Even when I fall back into my "human" mindset of "this isnt' working; there is no way", etc; God is still faithful; He is still proving Himself over and over and again. I have been drawn so much closer to Him this year than ever before. A lot of sadness has happened and there are some things that I still find myself crying over, but God is making this into something amazing!! I am so excited about the possibilities He has in store for me. I'm excited to find that spot where I'm supposed to be. I'm excited to meet the people He is putting into my life. I'm happy. I'm peaceful and content with what He is doing. I'm content to wait on Him; to learn to depend continually on Him through the good and the bad. I am making changes in my life that I pray will stay with me. I am attempting to get out of debt quickly so that I can be a better steward of my money. I am attempting to find additional sources of income so as to pay off debt, build savings, fix the house, and just in general keep everything up to date.

God is teaching me a tremendous amount of knowledge from His Word. He is continually surrounding me with godly people who are a great encouragement to me. We are studying Romans in small groups at church and it is incredible how much it relates to my own life right now!! Read Chapter 5!!

So this November, as we move into the holiday season, I am thankful for my church, to the people who have wrapped their arms around time and time again to rejoice or to cry with me; who have taught me so incredibly much about life and God. I'm thankful for my family--as crazy as they are ;)--for always being there for me and loving me! I'm thankful for my friends--all of them--each one is special and contributes to my life in ways they may never know. I'm thankful for my God, who is my Rock, my Creator, my Supporter, my Comfort, my Strength, my Wisdom, my Joy!! I'm thankful for a job, to be caught up on bills, to have paid off some debt this year, for the glorious weather, for beautiful music and for good health!!

God is amazing!!

Life As I Know It

2009-10-31T22:23:00.000-04:00

It has been a very long time since I have written any kind of poetry or short stories. I miss it. I miss the freedom of writing and the satisfaction of making something come together. I have not felt any motivation to actually write but today I was going through some things and this just hit me. And it is so incredibly true!! So much of my testimony from 2009 is found here in this poem. Life as I know it has truly come to end this year and I have truly begun to begin again. God is amazing and I can't thank Him enough!

~~JR~~

Life as I know It

Life as I know it has come to an end,
Now it is time to begin again.

With blessed assurance I cling to Christ,
My hope is in Him and I walk in the Light.

The trials of this world cannot keep me down,
The stress of human life will not make me frown.

My God above has a plan for me,
His plan has no harm, only prosperity.

His mercy and grace surround me like smoke,
His glorious love fills me with hope.

My God is my Rock and He is faithful and true,
He will not let me fail, He will carry me through.

When times are hard I cry out His name,
In the valley or on the mountain, I will praise Him every day.

Life as I know it has come to an end,
Now with God’s help, I will begin again.

God is Awesome

2009-09-12T23:30:00.002-04:00

Do you know how awesome God is?!?!! My heart is entirely full and my cup runneth over!! He has been incredibly amazing these last few months! I've been going through crap but he has continuously put people and things in my life to remind me that he is there, he is almighty God, and he will always provide!! I have absolutely amazing people in my life who constantly encourage me and have helped me get through the bad times, rejoiced with me in the good, and prayed with me the whole time!! I have an amazing church that I wouldn't trade for the world!! I am so thankful for everything He is doing in my life!! I can't help but feel that right around the corner is something even more amazing!! I am trying to learn to hear Him, and to cling to Him, and I am learning to trust Him more and more!!

Thank you God for everything !!! Just absolutely everything!! ;)

"Oh Little One"

2009-08-28T21:53:00.002-04:00

Oh, Little One

A tiny finger, a tiny toe,
Sweet blue eyes and a perfect nose
Beautiful face, all aglow
Sweet surprise, a few months to go.

A sweet surprise oh little one,
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
Beautiful miracle, can hardly believe,
A miracle for us, yet too soon you had to leave.

Godspeed to heaven Oh little one
Gods arms are waiting for you
At the pearly gates of heaven,
Amazing love, awaiting just for you.

Beautiful baby, oh so precious and sweet,
Angels are waiting, to hold you for me
Fly to heaven my sweet precious child,
Be safe in the arms of the King.

When we meet you up in heaven one day
We’ll sing and dance, laugh and play
‘Til then you’ll be in our heart
A special love, and never very far apart

A tiny finger, a tiny toe,
Sweet blue eyes and a perfect nose…
Soar on wings of eagles, oh little one,
And carry our love with you as you go.

~~Jessica R Garner~~
~~August 25, 2009
~~Written in memory of “Baby” Barfield~~We’ll meet you in heaven, sweet Baby!~~

Copyright (C) 2009 Humminbird Creations

Obedience & Blessings

2009-08-23T14:16:00.004-04:00

While I was mowing the grass this morning, the word Obedience came across my mind and stuck. I began praying for God to show me areas in my life where I need to be more obedient to Him. Areas that I need to cover in prayer so that I am walking on His path and following His Word. When we are obedient to Christ, he blesses us in ways that we would never know if we were disobedient.

What is obedience?

Main Entry: obe·di·ence
Pronunciation: \ō-ˈbē-dē-ən(t)s, ə-\
Function: noun
Date: 13th century
1 a : an act or instance of obeying b : the quality or state of being obedient
2 : a sphere of jurisdiction; especially : an ecclesiastical or sometimes secular dominion
3: the state, fact, or an instance of obeying, or a willingness to obey; submission

What does the Bible say about obedience?

Deuteronomy 4:1 Obedience Commanded

¹ Hear now, O Israel, the decrees and laws I am about to teach you. Follow them so that you may live and may go in and take possession of the land that the LORD, the God of your fathers, is giving you.

Deuteronomy 28:1 Blessings for Obedience

¹ If you fully obey the LORD your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the LORD your God will set you high above all the nations on earth.

Romans 5:19 (NIV)

¹⁹For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

1 Peter 1:2 (NIV)

²who have been chosen according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, through the sanctifying work of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and sprinkling by his blood: Grace and peace be yours in abundance.

2 John 1:6 (NIV)

⁶And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.

Obedience to God is one of the ways we show him we love Him. He will bless us when we are obedient, when we walk with Him. Life will fall into place if we obey, if we listen and seek His guidance, his wisdom, his strength, his will. What part of your life do you need to be more obedient to Him in? For me, the first one that crosses my mind is financially and physically. I dont mean just tithing regular--but all areas of our finances. Physically, I have not been taking care of my body---which the Bible says is Gods temple, because if we are Christians, he lives inside of us---I need to be obedient at exercising and eating more healthier choices. I also need to be more obedient with my time. My quiet time lacks. I have a hard time developing the habit of sitting down with God during the day to read His word, pray, and seek Him. I worship him through song throughout the day but I need to set time aside to delve back into the Word. I need to spend time petitioning God, going BODLY to His throne (thanks Ms. Debbie), and seeking Him and His will for my life. God is our Father, our Friend, our Savior, our Life, our Stronghold, our Strength, our Love, our Teacher. He is our Wisdom, our Provider---He is there when everyone else turns away. Why then do we not spend more time with Him? Why then do we not petition God for our wants and our needs? For the desires of our hearts? He knows them! But he WANTS us to spend time with Him. He created us for fellowship; He created us in HIS image! HE CREATED US!!!

I want God to be my first love. I want Him to be above all else in my life! Am I perfect? No! Will I succeed with this overnight? No! But I have a lifetime ahead of me to constantly work at perfecting it....no I will NEVER be perfect--I'm human, I'm a sinner.....but I believe that all God asks of us (as far as perfection goes) is that we STRIVE daily to be like Him! That we lay down our cross DAILY to be more like Him! That we make decisions based on "What Would Jesus Do?"!

My challenge to you, and to myself, is to pray that God would open our eyes and show us what area (s) of our lives that we need to work on 'perfecting' our obedience to Him in!!

Truly a Dance of Thoughts

2009-08-22T23:55:00.003-04:00

This is not an official post....more like a spot for me to jot down my ramblings while they are running through my head....

I have recently applied to, and been accepted by CSU (Charleston Southern University). I'm registered for classes and had orientation today (which was fun and informative) and now I'm waiting on classes to begin on Wednesday. However, I got my financial aid letter today....since its so late in the year and since I filed my FAFSA after the deadline, I was not awarded any grant money. All I was offered were loans...which is exactly what I did NOT want to do. I am a little unsure about accepting those loans...the Bible says that the "borrower is a slave unto the lender" and I'm in enough debt as it is. A friend of mine has challenged me to pray about accepting the loans for 3 days and see what God says. If I dont accept the loans then I probably wont be able to take my classes. I think what it comes down to is the question of "is school really something that God is orchestrating or is it something that I want and am not supposed to do right now?" Pray with me this weekend that God will clearly open the doors about this situation. I am not sure if I have to accept the full amount of the loans or if I can just accept what is absolutely necessary for my current classes for this year and then see if I get pell grants next year or a job at CSU (which means free tuition).

I know God is doing amazing work in my life. A few paychecks ago I started tithing again on a regular basis and I believe that that step of faith is what has blessed me this month. I have been able to thankfully pay all my August bills and still have money left over. I was even able to put a little bit of money in savings!! September is fast approaching and I know that God will once again provide. He is showing me how to depend on him for everything and how to "let go and let God". My attitude doesn't stay "depressed" for long periods now...at least it didn't this month concerning money. Oh, I was worried there for a little bit but at one point I was just like, "God you've got to do this for me please!" And sure enough he did!

Although I am still technically "married" right now, I pretty much consider myself single. NOT available, just single. It helps keep me from yearning for the old days, for things to be the way they were. I have some awesome friends who have awesome "significant others" in their lives. One pair encourages me to (when I'm ready) seek a man who is totally TRULY REAL and on fire for Christ completely! Who treats me like a jewel and whom I can treasure. (Not to say I didn't treasure the one I had all those years, but unfortunately its a 2 way street and it wasn't being given back.) One pair makes me look forward to the day when God gives me the man he has for me. Another pair shows me that God will make all things work for His good and that His timing isn't our timing. I have so many awesome, wise, Christian people in my life right now! I know its ALL GOD and I am so incredibly thankful for them!! I know that (as far as church goes) I am where I am supposed to be because I am finally being fed, I am finally learning again. The people that are on this journey with me I would've never met if my life had been different, or if I hadn't've "moved on" at a time when I wasn't real sure what to do. God is so incredibly faithful and is continually showing me something new and providing for me and letting things work out. Some people say I have a "simple faith"...and in a way, I guess I do. I mean, God said it so its true! Its in the Bible, which is God's word, so its true. Yet, there are longing within my heart to be a woman of grace, a woman of God, a daughter of the King in ways I have never experienced yet and in ways that I see in all those Christian women who have been put into my life. I grew up in church and I was homeschooled so I have the Biblical background (for which I'm incredibly thankful...its helped shape me into who I am today), but I don't ever remember being taught how to have a relationship with Christ on a "person to person" level. Does that make sense? Like, I knew we were supposed to and were able to walk with him and talk with him and we're supposed to lean on him and depend on him and all......but I was never really taught HOW to do that....I was taught where to read that...where in the Bible to find those Scriptures....but now in this place that I am at, I am being taught how to TRULY walk and talk and depend on him!! I still struggle immensely with having a daily quiet time, not getting distracted while praying, REMEMBERING to pray, memorizing Scripture, and more, but I know that if I will be quiet and listen, that He will speak to me and the more I grow in him the more I will be able to hear his voice.

I long to be a woman of grace, I long to be a Proverbs 31 woman, I long to walk closely with God and to seek him and find him in all areas of my life, at all times of the day or night; for Him to be the FIRST one I go to when I need comfort, shelter, encouragement, counsel, friendship, peace, joy, strength, courage....I want him to be FIRST in EVERYTHING that I do, every thought that I think, every word that I say, every action that I take. I want to be like gold refined in the fire, I want to be the iron that sharpens iron, I want to be .... real. I want to be .... true. I want to be.... Gods--completely.

In the aspect of house clutter....well...there is something soothing about a clean house. I cleaned house furiously for a several hours this week. I did floors, dishes, laundry, bathrooms, catbox, trash, dusted, cleaned the counters, cleaned the sinks, watered the garden, filed bills, straightened up, and more. I still have a ton of clutter to go through and a ton of stuff to reorganize and find a place for but I feel like I'm on the verge of something. ...........

I feel like I'm on the verge of a release. Whether it be financially, emotionally, physically...I'm not sure. But God has just been so incredibly good to me....he has made me MORE aware of HIM this year than he has ever been before! I know...I KNOW he has a plan for me (Jer 29:11) and I KNOW that he will not let harm come to me. I KNOW his grace abounds and I KNOW he is and will use me. I'm just not sure of all the details and that is another area where I have to learn to trust him. I am a very detailed-oriented person. I like to have everything planned out. I have a bit of OCD about stuff like that. However, Gods timing isn't my timing. He knows so much better what is good for me and at just the right time. My duty is to wait and let Him work. Thats a very tough lesson I have to learn....but if we were to go ahead and do everything we thought we needed or wanted, we would miss out on some very valuable lessons, some very awesome blessings and potentially the chance to use our lives as a witness to someone else who is watching.

God knows the desire of our heart. A friend of mine reminds me of that constantly. I can hear her say those words to me. He KNOWS that I want to go back to school; he KNOWS that I want a piano I can play; He KNOWS that I want to be debt free and financially secure; He KNOWS that my heart aches with the pain of losing 2 people I loved this year; He KNOWS that I rejoice for the people he has put in my life; He KNOWS that I love my family and want the best for them; He KNOWS that I have dreams for the future; He KNOWS that I want to find someone who will treasure me and take care of me; He KNOWS that I long to be a godly wife; He KNOWS that I want to travel one day and see places that I can only read about right now; He KNOWS that I want to be a mom someday; He KNOWS that I love to read and to write; He KNOWS that I want to live for Him; He KNOWS...He KNOWS!!!

He also knows how badly I struggle with body clutter!! Ugh!! My eating habits are horrible! I do not eat healthy foods like I should and I have a horrible horrible relationship with sweets. Its a spot in my life that I need to surrender. Hmmm...never thought about that before. How do you go about surrendering so much--consciously--in your life so God can make a change? How do you consciously and continously be aware of how each decision may impact your future (near or far) and how do you learn to be actively seeking Him throughout the whole day---while at work or at school or anywhere? How do you do it? Its more than just reading the Bible (which is an awesome thing to start off with of course). I know its spending a lot of time in prayer...but how do you do that without being distracted? I am easily distracted while praying, I'm sorry to say, and I feel funny praying out loud--especially if I'm by myself. When I was a kid I was always the one they called on to pray, to answer questions, etc. When I was young, it didn't bother me but as I got older it did. So now its tough, its hard for me to form my thoughts to pray out loud --whether in groups or alone-. I always feel like my prayers aren't good enough or that they are superficial, or that I pray the same thing over and over.

There is so much more in my brain that is jumbled up that I want to get down. I want to write again...some nights I feel like I could but then I dont. But then other nights I write for what seems like hours but is only a few minutes. Blogging helps but I long to be able to sit down and write short stories and poetry again. I long to be able to just let it flow. Its been a very long time since anything truly creative has been written. But I feel like I'm in a change of seasons. I feel like the fall breeze is coming. And with it a whole new path of life for me. An amazing story to pass on and walk others through perhaps these same struggles in their life. ~~~

Reflections & Moving On

2009-07-14T22:42:00.005-04:00

Like others, it has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot that has happened and yet I just haven't sat down and written it out. My life has been a turmoil of crazy stuff. Most recently my Papa passed away last Sunday night in his sleep. It has been a very rough week and a half and I still find myself crying when I think about it. Though his death was expected, it was also unexpected. For those of you who don't know, this is the grandpa that I've practically grown up to right next door. For 17 years I've lived in the same neighborhood as them, and for 3 of those years I've lived right next door. I miss him incredibly much and even though I know he is in a better place and he is not in pain and that I'll see him again, right now that doesn't make it any easier. I have so many memories and I only hope I can keep those alive! I also have many regrets and I am trying to deal with myself and those too. If I could go back even one week before his death and redo it, I would be grateful. Life doesn't work that way though does it? If someone had reminded me that last week that each day could be our last, I might've spent a little bit more time with him that last week before he died. I miss him so much!! He never got to be a great-grandpa either! I know thats not necessarily anybody's fault, its just how life happened, but It is truly the last thing I wanted to have on my plate this year! My heart hurts because I just can't seem to believe that he is gone!! Everytime I walk into Nana's house it seems as if he should be right around the corner or that maybe he is just down the road in the hospital because of the lastest health scare! I wouldn't want him to suffer, but I want him back!! But isn't that how we humans are? We want what we can't have or what we have lost? I now have 4 grandparents left alive....both of my parents' moms, my dad's dad, and my great-grandpa.

If you have followed my blog, or know my life, you recently read that things concerning my marriage were looking up. Well, not now. I honestly am ready for this phase of my life to pass. I am tired of the argueing and the fighting and everything in between!! I finally understood some things and truly felt that God was allowing the strings/connection to be cut and assurring me that it was okay not to fight anymore; that it was okay to move on. I know that might sound contradicting to what I've said or what I believe, but through this I am learning to listen to God and to allow Him to work in my life. Something that happened a few days ago opened my eyes to a fact that my marriage probably wouldn't work out, or if it lasted it wouldn't be more than two people living in the same house. There are a few conditions that had to be met for me to take any more steps forward with pursueing this relationship and those conditions are being refused. I truly felt God lifting a weight from my shoulders and telling me that it was okay -- that it was all going to be okay. Please understand that I do miss the first few years I knew my husband (when I first met him, dating him, and our first year or so of marriage)--those times were good for the most part and I miss the friends that we were back then. I miss the fun things that we did and the hours we would spend talking, the long walks on the beach in content quiet, the weekend trips to Greenville to see his family, and so much more! And I will truly truly miss his family! I love my in-laws!! They have always treated me like a daughter and have loved me from the start. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Justin and I should've just stayed friends, if we'd still be friends today. What would've happened to us if we hadn't gotten married? Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didnt' marry him. And I probably wouldn't know half the people I do know, or have half the relationships that I do if we hadn't've gotten married. So I think in the end it comes to a part of life that you learn from the mistakes and the bad memories, cherish the good memories, and allow the trials to make you a better person.

I truly am very excited about what is to come, though. I have had to redo my "goal" list and I have had to rethink my strategies, but I have some big goals I want to meet and I have some dreams that I want to reach for. It will all take time and money of course, and it will take a lot of dedication but I know I can do it. I am surrounded by a huge network of support; of people who care and want the best for me. Some of whom have been down this very road I'm walking; some who always have the right words to say; many who always have a shoulder and ear to lend, hugs to give, and a smile on their face. And of course, last but in NO WAY shape or form are they least, I have my family!! I know in my heart they want the best for me and will support me and stand by me. I do not know what I would do without them!!

On a side note, I've changed my goal list a little bit... here is the original lists... here and here . Here are a few things that haven't changed much:
*Pay off credit card ($950 left to go)
*Pay off at least $3000 on my car (if I make my monthly payments it will be just over $3k )
*Lose at least 20lbs and get back in shape (4.5 lbs down, 15.5 to go )
*De-clutter my house: paper clutter/clothes/knick-knacks/etc
*Dig Deeper into my Bible
*Memorize verses like I did when I was a child
*Become a stronger woman and a stronger Christian!
*Read all my unread books (only a couple read so far)
*Began writing again ( I really do miss it, but can't seem to make the time to do it
*Scrapbook more photos in order to preserve the memories
*Shower my family with love
*Bless my friends with solid, trusting frienship
*Start and Finish my T-shirt quilt

I have yet to actually start my quilt. I put it off when I thought Justin was going to leave and then he did so I've been putting it off some more. Hopefully soon I will start on it. I do miss writing! I consider this to be a little bit of my writing, but I want to get back into writing my fiction stories, my poetry, and write out my kids books! I'm slowly slowly trying to memorize verses. It is really tough making quiet time a priority. I still haven't succeeded in even doing it every other day! Scrapbooking hasnt' really gotten done either.

Here are some things that I want to do and I feel that if I can accomplish these things it will open the way for me to achieve some of the other things on my list and begin to eliminate some of my stress:
*Fix the floor that is falling in
*Fix the fence that is falling apart
*Hang curtains on ALL the windows
*Find a wonderful roommate to become a good friend and help cover the bills
*Sell all the stuff on my porch that I've been trying to get rid of to help cover bills
*Build savings up to at least $500, if not $1000 (www.daveramsey.com)
*Find a way to completely pay off my credit card, my IRS debt, various other small debts (including car taxes for 09)
*Add the money that was going to the above, to my car payments
*Go back to school, even if its just a few online classes
*Take up sewing....make blankets out of all the scrap fabric I have laying around
*Run 1 mile by Christmas in under 20 min(currently I can make it about 1/4 mile running)
*Establish a routine that does not include late nights and almost-late-to-work-mornings
*Stay active in cardio workouts that will help burn the excess flab!!
*Stop eating so much junk food and eat more fruits and veggies!!!
*WRITE!! WRITE!!
*Spend less than $25/week on groceries! (www.southernsavers.com)
*Go to GA to see my grandma, my aunts/families, and my granddad
*Go to Charlotte to see a good friend of mine

I guess thats a good start! So much going on and so much I want to accomplish!

Thursday Night Rambles

2009-06-19T00:04:00.003-04:00

Right off I'm going to warn you this is a post of rambling...just have a lot going through my head and need to write it down.

Sometimes I wish that I lived closer to the beach so I could go sit and read and relax!! I love reading on the beach! It's so calming....sitting there listening to the waves break, feeling the wind blow, hearing the birds cry, knowing that there are a ton of people around and yet its so quiet!! I wouldn't mind walking on the beach every day--makes the miles pass A LOT quicker!

I am thoroughly having a good time cleaning and decluttering my house, not to mention rearranging it. my living room looks really good---at least the front half of it does--!! I've moved on into the office which is an absolute mess! I do not know what to do with all the paper clutter! I hate it! But I'm one of those people who are afraid to throw it out b/c what if I need it down the road? *sigh* Thats' how I am with most everything though and I really do not like being a pack rat at all!

So I found a new workout series that I LOVE!~! Its the 10 min solutions...I did ab work, buns & thighs, and dance sculpt last night! For a total of 30 min work out it was the best one I've done and I truly felt like I had actually worked out!! Tonight I worked out in the pool (no seriously) and tomorrow I intend to do the work out again. Its supposed to get hot again so I don't want to be depending on walks right now...way too hot!!

I'm at a loss with everything else in my life...money, jobs, marriage.....the only thing I am sure about is my church!! I'm so thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people...most are my best friends but I am so grateful! I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for them!!

Ever been stuck in the middle of something? Or worse, stuck b/t a rock and a hard place?? Thats kinda how I feel with everything surrounding my marriage/separation!! I'm legally separated now for a year...June 2010. I thought things were actually going smoothly but a week and a half ago the top blew out again...all because I was trying to explain how I feel about a certain delicate subject. Hopeless is the best way to describe how I feel right now. *Sigh* I just really dont know what to do. On one hand I feel like I should just let it go and move on. But on the other hand, I feel like I still need to fight for my marriage. But then again I dont know. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I know it builds character and it makes us who we are ! And no one said life would be easy or fair. I just never expected to have to deal with any of this at any point in my life!! I started to read an article today...I had to stop reading it (I was surrounded by people) because it was making me cry. Read it..it talks about how this particular marriage the person was secure in knowing that no matter what her spouse was there..through thick and thin, good and bad. Need I say more?

Ok now that I have gotten some things off my chest, I'm going to bed now!

To Praise God...

2009-05-31T23:03:00.003-04:00

(Concerning Divorce)......."First, you need someone who is willing and able to walk with you during this time. Someone who will not just sympathize with you, but will also hold you accountable to look at the biblical issues and do what is right. I believe that if at all possible, the best person to do this is your pastor. Another person might be a counselor trained to use the Bible.

Second, you need the church of Jesus Christ surrounding you. Be very careful you don't pull away from the church. Each part of the body needs the other. Make it clear to others in your church you don't want to be left alone. You need their love, encouragement and good counsel. The last thing you need to do is make any decisions about your marriage in a vacuum.

Third, you need to seek God in His Word and cry out to Him to know His ways and His heart for what you should do and how you should respond to your spouse. If you are looking to legitimize your reasons for divorce … slow down, even stop. Notice how much of Scripture is given to God's messages of forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, understanding, and patience.

How much value will you place on the vows you spoke to your mate before the face of your God? When you consider how much God values a covenant, what are the obligations of your marriage covenant before Him?

Will you be patient to wait for God to work in your marriage in a way you have not considered? Will you look to Him to give you the wisdom, the resources, the encouragement you need to do above and beyond what you ever could imagine or think?

Ask God to show you what you can do to rebuild your marriage. Remember, God specializes in redeeming the unredeemable. It is His preeminent desire for your marriage.

In closing, I'd like to challenge you to begin to pray together for 30 days as a couple that God will restore your marriage? That He will be the Builder of your home and that He will bring healing to your relationship. Ask Him for a miracle. You will never regret that you prayed ...."

Praise God for wise, Christian, Bible-believing people such as the writer of this article (found here ).

I am so thankful for the Christian people who have been surrounding me through this difficult time in my life. God has been so good! They have loved on me, supported me, cried with me, prayed with and for me, given me Biblical and godly advice, encouraged me, uplifted me, showered me with hugs and shoulders to cry on, and they have never stopped listening. They have encouraged me to do the right thing no matter what anyone said, what anyone thought. They have given me Scripture to take to heart and will not lead me astray. I believe that it is not how many times you fall down that matter, but how many times you get right back up and keep going. God tells us to press on toward the goal that we may win the prize (Philippians 3:14). If you read my last post you know that my marriage is troubled. A month ago I would have told you it was over forever, there was no fixing it. I praise God that he has been able to soften our hearts a little bit; that He has been able to allow us to see how we hurt the other and the many places we were falling short. I praise God that He has softened my husbands heart and began to calm his anger down. The last few weeks we have talked so much -- and we have been able to talk 100% open and honest with each other. It has been amazing! We are still separated yes, but we are both in agreement that our marriage, our relationship is worth savings. There are many people who think we/I am crazy and that it's not worth it and that nothing will change; but I have God on my side and all that matters is that I follow Him! He tells us in his Word several times that he hates divorce! And how many times does he speak of forgiveness? Patience? He tell us women to love our husbands unconditionally and for our husbands to love us as Christ loved the church. All I want is to please Him and do His will! I believe that I am supposed to do everything absolutely possible to save my marriage. I believe that no matter what anyone else thinks, that as a Christian wife striving to live after Gods Word, that if I do not invest in our marriage, if I dont learn from the mistakes we've made, that I am not in His will. My husband is willing to save our marriage and I believe him. I am choosing to believe him. I am choosing my husband--I am choosing to cling to my spouse, to put him before anyone else (except God), and to put our marriage before anything else. There are so many times I didn't put my marriage first and I should have. I see those now and I want to learn from those life lessons. I want to be so in love with my God and head over heels in love with my husband that nothing else in life matters. God has given us a second chance at getting this right and I want to make the most of it...so that we have the REST of our LIFE to PERFECT it!!!!

I feel like this is where we were: "We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up…we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt and hurting that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming." and that is what eventually ended up in us separating. We have to learn how to communicate with each other and how to change our priorities. We have to learn how to be angry but not closed off; how to talk through that anger/hurt and how to resolve conflict. We have to learn all over again how to be open and honest with each other and to trust each other again. I want my husband to be my best friend, the one I can turn to when everyone else has gone. I want to be his best friend; I want to be his encourager, his cheerleader, his safe place. I want our home to be restful, relaxing, cozy, comfy, peaceful, serene, an oasis away from the rest of the world. And most importantly I want God to be the center of everything again!

And I want to thank you for your continued support as this journey continues. I know it will be a rough road and will not fix itself overnight. But God gives us a hope for the future, he has a plan for our life and best of all he never leaves us no matter how often or how far we stray. Praise God for his wondrous and amazing love, his beautiful mercy, and his amazing grace!

Too HeartBroken to Sleep

2009-05-11T00:42:00.003-04:00

So its almost 1am and I can't sleep because I can't stop the tears. My marriage is so broken, my husband has moved out, and i can't stop the tears from coming. I do not see how I'm going to get through this. I love him so much!! I've loved him for 9 years!! Even though he's been really mean about this the last few months, I can't stop my love for him. I don't even know if he ever knew how much he means to me. I thought we'd be together forever. " 'Til death do us part." I vowed for better or for worse. Our marriage was/is so young...and it's just being thrown away. I've been mad at him for so long and now I'm just so sad. I'm so sad that he left. I'm so sad that we will never be "J and J" again. I'm so sad that we will never live our dreams together. I'm so sad that we will never take the vacations we had talked about together. I never thought he would actually leave. I never thought we would ever come to this. We always said divorce was not an option for us, and yet here we are. We are the last couple I ever thought would be using that word. We took so much for granted but I never meant for it to end like this; I never meant to take us for granted, but life happens. I never meant to make him unhappy---I tried so hard to make life better for him. I tried so hard.....
How did we get here in 3 very very short years?? There was so much more we wanted to do together. Everyone says I'm so strong and I'll get through this but do they know how many tears I've cried? Do they know how many pieces my heart is broken in to over and over? I look around and he is in everything. I turn the radio on and there are our favorite songs. I even still have a voicemail on my phone from him from over a year ago when we were fighting and he left me a message saying that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me and he wanted us to find the time to have carefree fun again. I kept that message because he was so sincere and I would listen to it over and over when things got tough just to remind me that he loved me and we would be okay. I see him the dozens of pictures we've taken. I see him everywhere in the house. I regret so much, so very much! And I can never take it back or make it up to him. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this will all be a bad dream and he'll be right there to hold me and make things better. We've fought so much in our short marriage but I would do anything to go back and do it all over again. I would do anything for him to come back, or better yet to have never never left. Why? Why me? Why now? I do not see how I could ever love another as much as I love him. He is in all my memories---we've shared so much!! Why me? What is the purpose of this heartache? What is the purpose of my world to come crashing down all around me? You cannot make me believe that this is how its supposed to be??? I keep beating myself up wondering what I did wrong or what I didn't do....or what we were supposed do/how things could've been so very very different. I've lost a part of me and I can't even function. Getting through the day is so hard...but coming home to an empty house-knowing that he wont be coming home at all-is even harder. Going to bed knowing that he isn't there to snuggle against and be wrapped in his arms is even harder. Knowing that his annoying alarm clock wont be going off at ungoldy hours and knowing that I'll never be trying to wake his "sleep like a rock"-self up again is so hard. Everything I did had something to do with him. Everything I did was to make our life better, so we could live our dreams together one day. I poured my heart and soul into this...I just don't understand!!!! I just don't understand!! I cry myself to sleep most nights which leads to tell tale signs the next day. I dont' want to see anyone just simply because I dont want to talk about it because I dont want to cry again. ASHFLY---Always Serving Him, Forever Loving You was our "code"...we had it engraved on our matching wedding bands....which I miss wearing so much! I miss wearing my wedding set and letting the world know that I belonged to someone...that someone was mine and I was his--forever.
Will it ever get easier? Will the tears and the heartache ever stop? Does he feel the same way? Is he crying over me? Is he missing me as much as I miss him? If so why can't we work it out? Why can't we go back and try again? Why??

Interview

2009-02-26T20:42:00.002-05:00

Ok, here's your interview:

1. What is your favorite beauty product/routine and why? Mary Kay Timewise Miracle Set/Eye Primer/Eye Gel----why? because it does wonders for my face!!!

2. If you had to move from Charleston, but could move anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? I would move to upstate SC or somewhere in NC to be in the mountains with rolling hills for my backyard and a creek/brooke running through my property. Why? Because I love the mountains and it's too expensive/risky to live on the beach!!!

3. What do you consider to be your best talent? What talent do you wish you had? Being organized is the talent I consider to be my best. I wish I had a lot of talents....sewing/piano playing/pretty handwriting/knowing the perfect thing to say at the perfect time/better fashion sense/and more....!

4. What is the best advice you've ever received? 1 Peter 3 & Jeremiah 29:11

5. What is your best memory from your childhood? Walking through the woods behind my neighborhood (which are no longer there) with my Dad after every holiday dinner and sometimes just for fun. That is just one of many!!!

25 Random Things about Me!

2009-01-31T00:45:00.002-05:00

***This is from my facebook page! thought it would be fun to post here!!****

Here's how it works as written by the person who tagged me... I'm not sure where this original project started but I got tagged and decided to continue it by tagging those of you whom I consider to be great friends or I haven't heard from you in a while and would love to hear what you have to say. Hope you'll play along because it would/will be fun hearing from you.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. ...love to watch CSI: Miami & NY & Grey's Anatomy

2. ...do not have cable TV; Channels 2, 4, 5, & 7 are all I get! And they only come in on ONE tv....and I NEVER am "in charge" of the remote....go figure!

3. ...have pretty much given up sodas.

4. ...am dying to get debt paid off! GO DAVE RAMSEY!

5. ...love, love, love to read!!

6. ...wish I had a bigger house and lots of land!

7. ...was born in Fairbanks, AK...dont' believe me? ask my Mom!

8. ...absolutely love the smell of fresh clean sheets!

9. ...am 23, married, and still sleep with my childhood teddy bear!! yes, no lie! tease if you will......

10. ...would sit and read for hours if I could.

11. ..have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 17 years minus 8 months.

12. ...live next door to my grandparents and 4 doors down from my parents.

13. ..hate to get out of bed in the mornings but love being up early!

14. ...hate to be out in the dark alone...even on my front porch!

15. ...cannot stand backyard breeders or people who wont get their animals fixed!! Maybe they should go look at the shelters and see where their puppies end up! There should be strict, mandatory tests to pass for anyone to breed & there should be a nationwide LAW that any dog/cat not for breeding is to be fixed!! (ok stepping off the soapbox now!

16. ...am a poet and an author...and have 3 more books in my head!

17. ...cannot stand my house to be dirty or unorganized!

18. ...have never broken a bone in my body or had measles/chicken pox, etc (and pray I never do!).

19. ...love cucumbers but hate pickles!

20. ...am determined to lose this extra weight this year so I can feel better about myself AND wear a bathing suit this summer!!!

21. ...love playing the piano but really can't play very well!

22. ...paid for my own wedding ring...haha...just the way the credit limits worked out!!

23. ...love, love, love Eeyore, GRITS (Girl Raised in the South); anything with the Palmetto emblem; monogrammed initials....anything girly!

24. ...would love to go to Florida to see white sand and clear water; Montana/Colorado to see rolling green meadows in the mountains; Kentucky to see the bluegrass and the Kentucky Derby; Maine to see the tip top of the East Coast; Chincoteague to see the Chincoteague ponies; Alaska to see my family and re-experience it; Disney World because, well, its Disney World!!

25. ...wish I had gone to college....& have secretly thought about going back to school...not much of a secret anymore huh?

Favorite Things & "Mama Mia"

2009-01-25T23:21:00.002-05:00

I have been wanting to write a blog for a while about "a few of my favorite things". But first I have to say that "Mama Mia" is an awesome movie!! It truly does not turn out the way you think it will and even though its a "musical" is a VERY AWESOME movie!! If you haven't watched it, you should probably go rent it tonight!!

Back to my list of favorite things:

"These are a few of my favorite things..."

*Fresh, clean sheets & clean pj's
*Early spring and late fall when the air is cool and crisp with a breeze
*Fall colors
*Spring flowers
*Purples, Teals/Turquoise, & Earth tone colors
*Horses & Hummingbirds
*Boxer dogs
*SNOW
*Orange Cats (and all cats)
*Cast Iron Skillets
*A hot shower after playing in a cold rain
*Good music on the radio, my Ipod, CD's, etc
*A package in the mail
*Eeyore
*Fuzzy Socks
*A good book
*Horseback Riding
*Photography
*Nature photos
*Sunsets on the beach
*Sunsets in the fall
*Sunsets anywhere
*Waterfalls
*The mountains
*Clean Car Smell
*Having a clean car inside and out
*Clean Linen/Cotton scents
*Flowers in bloom....honeysuckle, wisteria, tulips, daffodils, roses,
*A good chic flick
*Chocolate...ice cream/frozen yogurt, candy, M&M's, milkshakes, cookies, cake, ....
*Rainy Days when I can stay home and be lazy
*Being organized!
*Checking off a list
*A cold glass of milk
*A long walk in the woods
*Dinner or Lunch with good friends
*GIRLTALK
*Double Rainbows
*Aurora Borealis
*GOOGLE
*A Good Hairday
*Dressing up with somewhere to go
*Beach scents
*Walking on the beach Barefoot!!
*Watching Dolphins play
*Kayaking
*Camping on the Hill
*My front porch swing

There is much more to add to my list but this will get you started!

Happy, Healthy...and Life Changing

2009-01-12T19:31:00.005-05:00

Tonight I sit here listening to an awesome Perry Noble sermon!! You really should check out perrynoble.com and New Spring Church. This is the first sermon I've ever listened to and its really great!!

Life is good again! Yesterday I was off work and went on a cleaning frenzy! Pulled a bunch of stuff out to get rid of and cleaned up a bunch of other stuff!! Still working on cleaning up the office and straightening up the kitchen cupboards/pantry! Too much junk!!

I met a good friend of mine yesterday for coffee (thanks Amanda M!) and just enjoyed some girl talk for an hour. It was great to just relax and enjoy each others company! Today I hung out with my other good friend -Amanda L :-)-, her baby Ladybug (a golden retriever), and her hubby, Joey. Amanda is teaching piano lessons on Monday and I hung out during her down time. Life without friends just isn't life! :)

Tomorrow is back to the work grind. I don't really mind because I love my job, but it's just the matter of getting back on routine. My weekends usually start at noon on Saturday's because I usually work Saturday AM (4 hours) and normally have Monday's off. Pretty cool to have a weekday off and be able to do "weekday" stuff (bank errands, etc).

I am really excited about 2009! I really believe that this is going to be an awesome year! God has been good to us even when we haven't been able to see it. He has blessed us financially and with good jobs---which in turns means that, as long as we are careful with our money, we can get debt paid down/off, keep our bills paid on time, buy groceries AND gas (haha), and actually put a little bit of money in savings!!

I'm also excited for 2009 because I am a part of Catalyst...which will be and is, the newest "church on the block"!!! This will not be your normal, average, traditional church! Life changing is what Catalyst will be!! Real, in-your-face, straight from the Bible teaching! Taking Jesus to the community instead of trying to bring the community to Jesus. This is going to be so awesome and I am just sooo excited!!! Want more information? Just ask!

Next weekend I should be getting my piano! It's not exactly what I was looking for but you know what? It plays and thats what matters!! There are so many nights where, instead of typing away on the computer (or wandering aimlessly through the internet), I have wanted to plink away on the piano! Now I will be able to!! No, I'm not a great pianist, but I enjoy trying!

This is a long blog, no plan to it, just rambling!

I just can't help feeling excited! No particular reason really!! "Something good is about to happen!"

I'm ready to get my physical house in order. To clean out the clutter so we're not consumed by it. To get rid of the junk that is just sitting around catching dust. To be organized again so I'm not scrounging when it's time to pay the bills, buy the groceries, run the errands, or have to leave town suddenly. I'm ready to get my t-shirt quilt started AND completed. I'm ready to finish out some scrapbooks and get them into albums. I'm ready to dig deeper into Christ--start reading my Bible more than just on Sunday--memorize Scripture this year!!! It has been many years since I've made it a point to memorize Scripture. Remember in Sunday School when whoever memorized the memory verse got a prize? Thats the urgency I want to have this year! My prize is Heaven--"I press on toward the goal..." I'm ready to get my house painted (inside). I'm ready to get as much debt paid off as possible this year! I'm ready to help my husband get started with the fishing tournaments he has signed up for this year! I'm ready to help him make it a success! I'm ready to get myself back in shape--to feel better about myself, to be healthier, to be content in my own skin. I'm ready to try new recipes, read new books, enjoy the glorious outdoors, take my dog for a run on the beach, relax with my hunny!

I don't want to be regretting things in 2009! I don't want to be saying "what if?". I dont want to look back and see so many opportunities that I missed. I don't want to miss opportunities to hang out with family, visit with friends, go see my Grandma (in GA), and cuddle with my dog and cat.

I'm so excited about life right now. I have at least 2 books that I want to write this year and I want to find a "real" publisher for all 3. PWYP is coming up in April and I cannot wait for that. That is my main vacation for this year and its up to a week in the woods of NC with 80+ men, women, children, and dogs learning new survival skills and trading survival tools.

As I end this note of excitement, I want to encourage each of you to dream big! Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, you'll land among the stars! ~~God Bless~~

More thoughts on 2009

2009-01-04T19:23:00.006-05:00

More goals to accomplish in 2009:

*Start and Finish my T-shirt quilt
*Cook more and Eat out Less
*Try at least 1 new recipe a month (that's progress for me!!)
*Walk 30 min or more at least 3 times a week
*Rough draft the 3 books in my head
*Research book publishers (seriously)
*Start on online bookstore--which will hopefully become a "brick & mortar" store one day!
*Find pictures for all the frames from our wedding

I think that if I put these out in the open, I will have a better chance at accomplishing them! For one, I can go back and read them and for two, I know that many people will have read them and wonder if I am checking them off my list or not. I expect ya'll to ask me often throughout the year where I am at on my goals. Of course if you have any advice or suggestions I am open to those, too!!

New Year, New Me

2008-12-31T21:49:00.003-05:00

Happy New Year Everyone!! In 2 hours and ten minutes we will be welcoming 2009!! Where did '08 go and how did it go so fast?! Here are some highlights from my 2008 in no particular chronological order.....

*Celebrated my 23rd Birthday
*Celebrated my 3rd Anniversary with Justin
*Began working at my current job--the vet's--the 1st job I've had that I've truly enjoyed!
*Celebrated my Grandma's retirement
*Celebrated Christmas once again with my extended family on Mom's side
*Joined the Blue Ridge Boxer Rescue as a volunteer and foster Mom
*Made some awesome friendships and rekindled a few old ones
*Discovered that I really enjoy a glass of wine! (Blackberry Merlot especially!!)
*Spent a wonderful, relaxing 5 days in the hills of NC with 80+ friends (including my family) as we camped out and learned new survival skills
*Re-instated my Mary Kay business with the hope that it will become self supporting one day
*Sold my baby grand piano!!!
*Paid off one loan and one credit card!!!
*Attended two weddings; both of good and long-time friends
*Held the 3 new babies (2 girls, 1 boys) of my 3 girlfriends
*Rearranged my furniture throughout the house
*Picked out the colors to paint my house
*Started a blog
*Lost 2 kitties and a dog

Here are some highlights I hope to have for 2009---again in no particular order....

*Pay off last credit card
*Pay off at least $3000 on my Xterra
*Lose at least 20lbs and get back in shape
*De-clutter my house: paper clutter/clothes/knick-knacks/etc
*Paint the interior of my house
*Dig deeper into my Bible
*Memorize verses like I did when I was a child
*Become a stronger woman
*Become a stronger wife
*Strive to understand my husband for who he is and his wants/dreams/needs
*Most importantly, become a stronger Christian
*Read all my unread books (Yes, believe it or not they do exist on my shelf!)
*Began writing again ( I really do miss it, but can't seem to make the time to do it)
*Scrapbook more photos in order to preserve them
*PRINT MY WEDDING PHOTOS!! (3 years later!)
*Shower my family with love
*Bless my friends with solid, trusting friendship
*Encourage my younger friends and family to be strong and discover themselves
*Plant a garden; even if its a container garden
*Stay financially focused and on top of things
*Organize my house to make me a more efficient person
*Quit putting things off for tomorrow...especially things like having lunch with friends, dinner with family, walks with my husband, fun with my sisters, relaxing with my grandparents
*Stay in contact with friends and family
*Send REAL MAIL birthday, anniversary, get well, and sympathy cards
*Save for the future but live for today

I believe that 2009 will be an even better year for us than 2008 was. 2008 was a better year than 2007, and it will keep getting better I hope and pray! May each of you also have a very prosperous new year and may the Spirit keep you filled and the love of God help you find your way! May His grace and mercy shower you and may you feel His blessings all year through!

God Bless!!
Jess

Holiday May-Hem

2008-12-28T22:19:00.005-05:00

So the holiday rush is about over. Christmas has come and gone yet another time. Ours was a really great one this year! We had our extended family in town and despite a few small family "feuds", we all had a great time!!
Today, Sunday, everyone pretty much did their own thing for most of the day. Then this evening we all got together at Nana's (the "central hub") and talked, watched a slide-show, sang a song and tried to put off the goodbye's as long as possible!!! My cousin, Savannah and my sister, Lauren (both 16) and I wrote a Christmas song for our Nana and sang it to her again tonight. She loved it, as did everyone in the family!!
Yesterday we started out early and went to Folly Beach. Our goal was to see the Morris Island Lighthouse but even by the time we walked down the beach and around the point, it was still too foggy to see the lighthouse. So we just enjoyed a walk on the beach in the fog, some of us drawing in the sand, others picking up seashells, still others (well, ONE) standing knee deep in the water and then rolling, yes rolling, in the sand!! That last person would've been my cousin, Christopher, who is 9/10 and ALL BOY! LOL! Lots and lots of pictures and video were taken and overall a good time was had! We stopped for lunch afterwards and then after lunch, the girls (Lauren & Savannah--only 6 weeks apart) and I went shopping at Tanger Outlets and Northwoods Mall while the rest of the gang (Uncle Byron, Aunt Sandy, Aunty Heather, Mom, Lil' Heather, Chris, Sarah and Grandpa) went to the Krispy Kreme store and got doughnuts. Oh yea, after all that shopping we came home and everyone had pizza.
Friday was the day after Christmas. I went with my Mom and Dad and Grandpa to run a few errands and buy my new laptop!! Yes, I got a laptop for Christmas!! I was so excited and am still exploring it! For those of you high-tech peoples, its a Toshiba TL-60 with an AMD Turion x2 processor!! Lots of features that I cant' wait to discover! I can't remember what else we did Friday.....hmm...oh well maybe I'll remember later! (20 min later----) DUH!! The day after Christmas is NANA's birthday!!! DUH!! I was sitting here editing pics and realized that! We had party at Nana's Friday night. Our neighbors came down to help celebrate. Mom made a red velvet cheesecake that didn't last long after it was cut, and Aunty Heather served up some "sparkling cider". Another good time was had by all!
Thursday of course was Christmas! What a busy day! I actually had to go into work first thing and work in the kennel so by the time I got back, got a shower, and got ready to go to Nan's for presents and dinner it was close to 11a. There were so many presents to open! We all had a good time! After presents we started making final preparations for dinner and playing with our new toys! We pretty much all hung out at Nana's all day just enjoying the lazy day of family, friends, and food!
Wednesday was a good day too. It was a half day at work for me so I got off at 12, ran into town to get my nails redone and then came home and switched off b/t wrapping presents, cleaning house, and hanging out with family. I was up till 2:30 in the morning wrapping presents! I didn't realize I had gotten so much stuff for everyone! I really hope to get myself organized enough to where I am NOT staying up so late on Christmas Eve 2009!!
Tuesday was a normal work day for me and I admit it was pretty long! But the evening was to hold the biggest surprise. There we were, sitting around Nan's living room, all of us about to fall asleep but not wanting to leave. My dad and my Uncle Byron went out on the front porch. I was sitting closest to the door and my Nana was sitting two chairs away. The door opened and thinking it was just Dad and Byron, I turned quick like, and stopped!!! SURPRISE!! My aunt and two cousins had just arrived! At the last minute over the weekend they weren't supposed to be coming! I thought my Nana' was going to have a heart attack!! Tears were shed by all I do believe!!
Monday was filled with last minute shopping! Surprisingly the roads weren't too terribly bad!
Thats about as far back as my mind will allow me to go right now!HAH! I do remembre that my Grandpa got here the first part of December and we've had a lot of fun times with him!
Last Wednesday was the day that my uncle and his family made it in! It was really awesome! We hadn't seen them since last Christmas and I had never met his wife, my Aunt Sandy! She's an awesome lady! So sweet and just a great person all around! I'm so glad to have met her!

So all in all it was another great Christmas with the "Danels & Co Family Reunion". More tales to come I'm sure! I can't wait for next year although what I would really like to be able to do is take a visit up to Barrow AK! The tippy top of the US!~! That is where Byron, Sandy, & Savannah live right now!

Love to all and Happy New Year!!!

All Mixed Up & Nowhere to Turn

2008-12-07T22:17:00.006-05:00

Yes, I know I haven't blogged in a long time. I just haven't felt up to it. But I'm blogging now...it's all mix & match though so try not to get lost. I would love to write something spiritual and uplifting tonight but its all I can do to keep the tears at bay once again. I do not write this for pity, but I do appreciate your prayers. I'm sorry if it sounds like this is nothing but complaining...perhaps at a later date I will print it out, put it in my journal, and delete it from here. But for now....this is where I have been the last few weeks...this is the journey I've been on...these are the battles I face-day in and day out...this is my storm, my roller-coaster ride; this is who I am behind closed doors; behind the smile that might greet you; behind the laughter that may be shared. This is me right now....
I long for my house to be a house of peace & rest; to truly be "as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord". There is so much turmoil in my house, in my life, and in my marriage. I feel like I can't win; like I can't surface; like every time things begin to look up, the roller coaster takes a swift turn and goes down again. Nothing new, its the same story, same cycle time and again. I married a man of God...no not perfect but wanting to do everything he could to serve. Now I've lost that man. I don't know where he went or why he left. I do wish he'd come back. I pray every day that whatever drove him away will be demolished by our Heavenly Father and that man of God that I married will come home. Wise friends keep telling me to be a woman of quiet spirit...I must stop and quote this verse here: " Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (That's 1 Peter 3:1-4.) I try, but I get lost and distracted so easily. I have little patience and cannot hold my tongue for long. I try to pray and my mind wanders. I try to read the Bible and find hope and I get distracted. I long to be a true woman of God...like two of my good friends are (ironically both their names start with 'A'). If I could be just 1/4 the woman of God that they are, I would be so much better off! They have gentle, quiet, and sweet spirits; full of encouragement & always have the right things to say. They always have godly instructions; they're both my guardian angels. Their marriages-though not perfect-are on the right foot. They are in tune with the path God has called them on; they aren't afraid to speak the truth, no matter where they are or who they are with. They respect their husbands and their husbands respect them. They always have an ear to lend and a hug to give. No matter what, they've always been there for me. You know who you are and I thank you!
I feel like I stay stressed out every day. It seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot find the will power, or the desire to keep up with simple things every day. Anything from household chores, to cooking dinner, to eating right and staying in shape. I do admit I am jealous of all my friends who somehow manage to stay small. And that's another personal battle that rages within me. Four years ago I was fairly thin. Probably from running the halls at SHS. :-) Now, I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror; I cannot wear my favorite dresses or jeans. And if one more person asks if I'm pregnant I'm going to scream!! And yet I cannot get off my lazy duff on a consistent basis to do something about it.
I am sick of myself. I am sick of the woman I am becoming--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet I do not know what to do or how to change it. I cannot figure out the steps I need to take. I was raised in church so I know all the "right things to say/do"; but I want the REAL stuff. Not churchy stuff...I want the real-life stuff; the "in-your-face" stuff. Most of the time I feel like I am alone in this world. A married woman living a single life. I go to church alone (thank goodness for the sisters mentioned above); I run errands alone; I clean the house and cook alone; I feed and walk the dog alone. Some nights I watch TV or read a book alone. I pay bills alone and balance the checkbook alone. I talk to myself alone because there is no one here to listen. I argue with myself because there is no one here to talk through things with and even when there is, it usually starts an arguement so then I feel that it wasn't even worth trying to talk out. I AM SO CONFUSED!!! On the other hand, I'm not the only one who lives here; who swipes the debit card every day; who works crazy hours every day; who locks up and goes to bed here every day.
I guess it boils down to wanting to change but not knowing how; to missing the person who is supposed to be my best friend; to wanting a richer life (not money) and not knowing how to achieve that; to wanting to be on the same path together, with like-minded goals & dreams. As a Chris Rice song says, "I miss the easy days of childhood....where dipping yesterdays french fries in last week's ketchup was all I could mess up..." (paraphrased...not exact!). Although I wouldn't trade parts of my life that I have now, some days I wish I could go back to the high school days where the most pressing thing on my plate was getting good grades and making it to class on time. I'm really just a simple girl trying to figure out her path in life....and getting lost and sidetracked with every step I take. ~~~

Stress

2008-11-23T19:52:00.002-05:00

Stress will do many things to a person. It will make them irritable and tired; frustrated and easily provoked. It hampers common sense and it raises blood pressure. Stress has been the name of my days lately. Not really work, other than long hours. Church...a little bit...I'm unsure of what I'm supposed to be doing now. Marriage...ah yes...quite a bit but its mainly because there are 2 stubborn people living together, trying to learn the art of give and take. I guess there are lots of little things that I let stress me out...things like, not having the house spotless, laundry done, yard cleaned up, shopping done, etc. My desk as we speak is a total mess of paperwork, pens, electronics, and more. My coffee table has tons of magazines/catalogs and other miscellaneous on it. Not to mention my dining room table, our nightstands, and my kitchen counters! I hate clutter, but have a hard time letting go of anything. I believe in: "a place of everything and everything in its place" and yet, I don't seem to have a place for everything. I stress because I can't give my foster dogs the time and attention they need/deserve. I stress because there doesn't always seem to be enough money for all the bills, gas, groceries and extras. I stress because I badly want to paint my house and put hard flooring in, but there isn't enough money right now to do that. I stress because I want to lose 20lbs, but am not motivated enough to exercise regularly or constantly eat right! I think I need a vacation away from everything! A hideaway in the mountains or a cottage on the beach. Somewhere to go that is peaceful, non-commercialized, relaxing, quiet...with no phone to answer, no email to check, no dogs to take out, no house to clean or dishes to do or dinner to cook. Just to get away from everything and revamp! ~~~

Blue Ridge Boxer Rescue

2008-11-21T06:25:00.004-05:00

Hey Everyone! This is not your typical blog.....

Most of y'all know that I foster for Blue Ridge Boxer Rescue. Although I love doing it, I'm at my wits end right now. I have Josi & Bobbie/Buddy. Buddy needs a good home as he is a very young pup and is at the "impressionable" age. Josi needs one too but since she's going through heart worm treatment, right now she would be a foster-to-adopt. I'm at my wits end because of stress; and its not fair to my fosters to not get the attention they need/deserve. They are both very sweet but I worry--especially about Buddy because he does not like the crate and they are in there for 10 hours a day with only one short potty break during my lunch hour. I also do not get the time necessary to truly work with them on their different manners and such.

Please pass these links below to all your friends!! My 2 fosters are: Josi (white female boxer) who is about 2 years old and Bobbie-Buddy (fawn male boxer) who is about 8-9 months old! I need your help in finding these two their forever home!! View their "blogs" below to learn more about them and send the links to all your friends and family! Consider adopting them for your own homes if the time is right. Help me help these babies find their forever family!! If you'd like to put a flyer up, maybe where you work, email me and I can send you that.

If you would like to consider fostering or adopting one of these or another boxer, visit the Blue Ridge Boxer Rescue website (www.blueridgeboxerrescue.com) and put in your application! We are always in desparate need for both foster homes and people to adopt! Feel free to use me as one of your references!

Thank you for all your help!

Jess

DOGGIE BLOG LINKS:

Buddy Petfinder Page
Josi Petfinder Page

Welcome Josi (*top link*) & Buddy (*bottom link*) to your Family!
http://www.dogster.com/dogs/893974
http://www.dogster.com/dogs/920521

Broken, Crushed...Hope

2008-11-06T22:17:00.005-05:00

Sunday dawned bright! An extra hour to sleep in thanks to DST. A 30 min drive to church. A shocking surprise awaiting me. Heartbreaking news found its way to my ears within 10 min of getting there. I sobbed almost the entire service. Nobody died, but it felt like they had. The church was packed, but yet it felt so empty. I wanted to immediately type a blog but I waited. This week has been rough...all the "what ifs?" running through my head; not to mention the "why's?" and "how could it..?" Today I found the whole story...the truth if you will. It was not as it seemed; it was almost much worse. But I'm thankful to have the friends I do; I'm thankful to have the whole TRUE story. I am just so sorry it had to end like this. But my friend is right...God is and was watching out for us; He knew this would happen and He will make something good come of it. "Though sorrow may last for the night; HIS joy comes in the morning." There is light right around the corner and I believe that God will be glorified in all that is to come. Though many hearts were broken with this turn of events, I hope they will remain strong in the Lord and find comfort in his Word!!
~~JR~~

Reflections & Weddings

2008-10-18T19:50:00.006-04:00

It has been a beautiful day, even though it was rainy! My best friend--the one I went to high school with-- got married today!! It was absolutely beautiful! Even though I wasn't part of the wedding party, I was still there to help them get ready! I wouldn't have missed it for the world! We had a lot of fun!! The wedding itself was beautiful and the reception brought on a lot of laughs and many tears! I wish the happy couple the absolute best!

All weddings make me think of mine! There's a lot that I would change if I could do it over! I think I would've tried to have an outside wedding; possibly at the camp where we met, or on the beach, or just on the waterfront. Then again, for that season of life that we were in, where we had it was perfect. Still, I can't help but think of what I would do different! There would've been one or two different people in the wedding party, I would've worn different shoes, might have even had my hair a bit straighter with waves instead of curls. I definitely would've had a different photographer!! I did not get all the shots that I wanted! I might've even had different colors, then again I'm not sure. Most of this is coming from how I've changed in the last 3 years. My tastes have changed in many areas of life and I think that is where most of these thoughts are coming from. Yet again, for that season of life that we were in...the majority of what we did and how we did was just right.

Weddings are very special, especially when it is someone you love getting married. I cannot believe how much we have all grown up. It just doesn't seem possible. Just yesterday we were in the beginning of our freshman year, weren't we? Now we are grown and married. *Sigh* Where does the time go? How do the years pass so quickly? Life...it's about change. So, chica, as you read this, remember to treasure each day as if its your last. Say "I Love You" as many times as you can. Honesty is the best policy & don't stay mad at each other...life is too short and too precious! Save for the future, but live for today. I love you & Congratulations!! Let God be the head of your household; cling to Him in the good and the bad. ~~I love you!~~

~~JR~~

Refreshing Waves of Memories

2008-10-17T21:46:00.010-04:00

This post is dedicated to a very good friend of mine...

I'm sitting here tonight very calm, relaxed, and very much content. Today has been a good day and this weekend proves to be busy. My friend of 8 years is getting married tomorrow!! Another friend of mine of countless years got married this past Sunday! It was beautiful as I'm sure tomorrow will be, too!

Today has been part of my 4 day weekend and it has honestly been a very good day. I met with a very good friend for breakfast. We spent 2 1/2 hours talking like old times. A friend that I have grown up with since the 3rd or 4th grade; a friend that has always been more like my sister; a friend that I love dearly and respect. We share a multitude of the same dreams, thoughts, likes and dislikes--especially when it comes to music, books, and God. We were raised similarly, both home-schooled and brought up in church. Raised with Christian standards. Hers a little more strict than mine. A friend whom, as we have grown up into our young adult years, we have fallen slightly away--due to the paths of life we are living and to the fact that everything and everyone changes. We've both changed in many, many ways, and yet we are still so very much the same. I'm a married young woman with a house and a husband; she a single young woman going back to school and working. Two different paths of life. And yet, I believe deep down in my heart, that we are still two peas in a pod. You see, I say all that to tell you our story...

It began many many years ago. As said we were both home schooled and it was probably 3rd or 4th grade when we met. We remember two very different ways we met....one at the park during a home-school group meeting and two at her house for a Valentine's Day Tea. Either way I believe we became inseparable the very first time we met. Throughout our growing up years we did so much together. We were always at each others house (I think I was at hers more...LOL), we were in 4H together, rode horses together, shared a passion for reading which in turn meant we shared the latest books on our shelves. We had orthodontic appointments at the same time just so we could see each other. We wrote books of letters back and forth constantly. We dreamed big together, shared our most heartfelt secrets, played the piano (her better than I by a long shot :-)), and just loved life. We were kids. I went to her graduation with her, and a few years later she was my Maid of Honor. She started college and I finished my last 2 years of high school. I didn't get to see her a lot during the school year when college started. But I did go to many of her concerts and plays. She is so talented! And then, one fateful night, I/we made a foolish decision. All we wanted, or thought we wanted, was this one chance that was always held out of reach. It was a decision that separated us for a long time (not by our choice, though). Long enough for us to miss the most critical years of transition together. Long enough to make it a bit hard to pick up where we left off. But we did. We picked up the pieces and little by little the pieces are being placed again. Today was one of those pieces. I think we could have talked for hours again if our responsibilities hadn't beckoned. How much I miss those young, carefree days where we'd stay up till 4 in the morning; only to have to get up at 6. Days where we played in the woods or in the front yard with her cousins and brothers on the family's land. Nights where we'd lay in bed and dream out loud. Trips we'd take to many 4H events and other things we went to. I remember all those years! I always felt like I was part of her family, not just a friend. I was so blessed to have grown up with her. I am so blessed to have her as one of my dearest friends. So my Friend, as you read this you know who you are...you were my best friend growing up, the twin sister I never had. You will always hold that special place in my heart, no matter where we live or what we do. I believe we'll always have each other to fall back, to come home to. Please know that I love you dearly and will always be here for you no matter what! Faithful Friends Forever Be, Here and through all Eternity!! I love you~~Numbers 6:24-26 & Jeremiah 29:11~~ God be with you, dearest sister!~~

~JR~

Hope for a New Light

2008-10-12T19:41:00.005-04:00

Two dogs, a cat, a husband, and myself. That's who makes up my household. Three bedrooms, 2 bath, 1300 SF, front porch with a swing, fenced backyard...that is our house. In the neighborhood I grew up, surrounded by people I've known my entire life. In the town where I've lived for 16 years, in the state where I've spent all but 3 years of my life. A wife, daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, great-granddaughter, daughter- & granddaughter-in-law, best friend, good friend, co-worker...that is me. A dreamer, a writer, a singer, a Christian, a lover...that is me. Basic things that make up my life. "A hope and a future" from the only God who exists; "a love everlasting" from a Father who holds me in the palm of his hand. A desire to make the world a better place; a heart and passion for music, a love for reading, and writing. A published author, a poet; a daughter of the King. Trying to find my place in this world, learning to walk the Lighted path; running through fields of Peace, skipping through brooks of Joy, falling into Arms of Love, blessed by Mercy, finding "Amazing Grace" at every turn, holding on to the "Power in the Blood".

The years have gone by at what seems to be such a rapid pace. We must slow down, twirl around like carefree children in the wind, run through fields of wildflowers with no cares in the world, splash through the river like fish in the sea, walk by streams of clear, cold, crisp water, dance in the shower of the heavens, fall into autumn leaves, sit on the edge of a mountain and watch the sun rise and set, hold on to our loved ones like there's no tomorrow, hug our friends, and pray hard!

~JR~