"And joy comes in the morning.."

I reference the 2nd part of the verse from Psalm 30:5 because that is where I feel I am right now. The verse says: "Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning." and I have, in a sense, been "weeping" for a long time. Now, I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! Joy has exploded in my life and although there is still a lot going on I haven't been this happy or this at peace in a very long time! 

If you've kept up with my blog, you know that my divorce was final the end of July! It was as if as soon as the judge ruled, the clouds open and the heavens poured down upon me! I had a wonderful lunch with my Mom and my Nana and then while browsing through a gift shop I got a phone call which led me to a job interview! That job fell through, but the day after that first interview I landed one at a shop about five minutes from where my Dad works. I was called back the next day for a second interview and three days later I was hired!! I start that job on the 30th of this month! I am excited because it will be more hours which lead to a better paycheck, plus there are benefits after three months, and it will be a whole new experience! The downfall is that it means getting up 2 hours earlier than what I'm used to! 

On top of the divorce being final, the new job practically falling in my lap (all praise goes to GOD for that!!), and finally feeling like I'm "free" again.....I am losing the house. It's okay though. I've done everything possible and maybe far more than most people would, to attempt to save it. But even if I kept it, I wouldn't be able to make payments AND do the repair work that's needed. So...I've signed a lease on a cute one bedroom apartment across town. I'm excited but anxious/nervous about moving away from "home"! Haha...25 and just now "moving away from home". Sounds kinda funny but its true! I've practically been in this neighborhood for all of the last 18 1/2 years (save for 7 months) ! I know the majority of the people here, if not by name, then at least by face or what car they drive. I'm at the front of the neighborhood so I feel like the "monitor" for everyone...who's coming/who's going and when! LOL!! I will miss not being right next door to my Nana, or able to literally walk down the street to my parents. I'll miss not being able to have my family walk by and 'drop' in to see me at random times!! And vice versa. I'll miss my yard (as cruddy as it can be at times); I'll miss my crepe myrtle trees, my azalea bushes, and my front flowerbed I've worked so hard on for the last 4 years!! This is silly but I'll miss my monkey grass!! I love cutting that back in the spring and watching it come back full and green!!  Right now I'm not sure if I'll be able to take my porch swing with me and if I can't I'm probably for sure going to cry because that is the one place I love to be in my house when the weather is perfect. I am hoping to take it with me, though and be able to use it! I guess the majority of my emotions just goes back to the feeling of safety -- although in recent months my n'hood isn't so safe! -And on that same note I feel like it's my job to watch out for my family too and if I'm not here I won't know what's going on.....and it also goes back to being moved out of my comfort zone into uncharted territory. But as a good friend put it for me... it's a step of faith. This whole journey has been one step of faith after another. God hasn't failed me yet..why would He start now? He provided many ways for me to stay in the house as long as I have, He provided the money for bills and groceries, He provided the "tools" He knew I would need against Satan when Satan tried to pull me down into the pit of despair, He put the right people in the right place at the right time to encourage, inspire, love, and carry me through. He has been so good!! I'm so thankful that I chose to cling to Him through the rough times of the last year and half or so!! I can't imagine turning my back on God in something as awful as what I've been through.  I think it's important to stop and share some verses from Romans with you. These are from Romans 8 and it starts in verse 31 (this is from the NIV version): " ³¹What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? ³²He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? ³³Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. ³⁴Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. ³⁵Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ³⁶As it is written:  "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." ³⁷No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I am on the verge of starting three new classes at Trident Tech this week too. I'll be taking English, Art History, and a computer course this semester!! I just finished a crappy class from CSU that I almost failed! In fact, the final grades aren't anywhere close to being in so I really don't know what I have in it!! Anyway, three classes on top of a new job and moving is going to be quite the stress but I hope I can handle it and keep my GPA up! I'm hoping to be able to take the journalism and creative writing courses that are offered at tech. I want to get back to writing. I have a ton of unfinished "work" that I want to finalize and then I want to look into getting a book "really" published! And I especially want to get my kids book's written!!

This is going to be a very crazy semester for me!! What a great time in my life though!! Life is finally starting to look up and I can "look back and see how far I've come"! God has been working wonders in my life and I'm so thrilled that I can see that!! He has allowed me to through hell (and yes, I consider what I've been through to be "hell" for me!) and come out stronger on the other side so that I can minister to others who are in the shoes I've walked through. Whether its because they are going through a divorce or because they are lacking in faith or scared that people won't love them when they know the "real stuff", God has already used me several times to minister to them! I am so thankful that our God is a God who brings healing to the sick and brokenhearted and who is able to bring something wonderful out of the worst of our pain. Although there were times when it just didn't seem like it was ever going to get any better, I don't think I ever doubted God. I felt hopeless and ready to give up over and over, but I don't think I could say I doubted Him. He had me surrounded by guardian angels who refused to give up on me! Even if they had to repeat the same thing over and over to me!! He is SOO GOOD!! 

This has been a journey of ups and downs, mountains and valleys, joys and trials. Yet at every turn God met me there. He met me and has taught me to better rely on Him ! He has given me the joy of tithing, He has given me the joy of being real with the people I care most about! He has given me the opportunity to be an instrument of healing in someone else's life -- that is all through Him, I take NO credit for it! He has given me peace about the things I've had to give up....yes that started with my marriage, and has now moved to my house. Like I said , though, it's okay. It's the step of faith that will make me stronger. God is opening the doors wide for me right now and I am ready to walk through them....backed by the support of family and friends who believe in me and will support me through anything.

I leave you with this verse, which also happens to be a beautiful song:

Isaiah 40:30-31

" Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD  will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

"This Classy & Sassy Carolina girl...."

So yesterday, July 30, 2010 will forever be marked in my book as the day I became a MS.!!! (It's also my Mom's birthday!!)

Yes, July 30, 2010 "this Classy & Sassy Carolina girl declared her independence! By state of SC she is no longer a 'Mrs.'"!! The last 5 years of my life finally came to a triumphant close! I can't tell you how freeing that day felt!! I really thought I'd be a little sad but I was on Cloud 9 ALL day!! I was a little nervous at first but it was because of having to see my ex rather than the actual court hearing! It really seemed at times that that day would never come!! I went through hell to get there (yes, I said hell) but God held on to me and pulled me through every trial, even when I couldn't see Him working! He surrounded me with awesome people the last almost 2 years specifically because he knew just how much I would need those people in my life through this journey! I am so thankful for Catalyst--my church--who have picked me up and carried me through more times than I can count when I didn't think I could make it; when I wanted to give up and quit!! The love, encouragement, hope, laughs, tears, and joy that we've shared have been more than I ever imagined!! 

There is are still many loose ends right now and the journey is far from over, but the divorce is final and that is a huge chapter that needed to close! Yes, my marriage ended in divorce but that's okay! I am a much better and happier person because of that! God has taught me a lot and truly I would do it all over again to become the person I am today.

I am excited, nervous, scared, and completely unsure of my next few steps in life. Right now I am still trying for that better/2nd job, and I'm in the process of transferring stuff to TTC and changing my major to Associate in Arts instead of business. I am probably, no, not probably, I AM going to lose the house one way or another. Whether I sell it, short sale it, or let it go to foreclosure, on my income I cannot afford it. I have kept it as long as possible, and now I have to be graceful as I let it go. Granted there are still a few things that could work out that would make it possible to keep it another few months but ultimately I have to get out. I just don't know exactly where to go or what to do. Rent is not cheap around here nor are there very many "good" places to rent at. I've been looking at other possibilities too but nothing has come as of yet.

I know exactly what I would like to happen, but right now it almost seems impossible. Well it does seem impossible! I keep saying I'd like to move out of town and experience something new. But I think I'm afraid that I would do that and then it wouldn't work out and I'd be stuck.  But on the other hand, I don't want to get 5 or 10 years down the road wishing I would've done this and regretting that I didn't!!!! Argh!! Decisions!!

We'll see what pans out I guess. I'd like to pick up my writing career again too! Hoping to take some creative writing/journalism courses when I transfer to tech and get my cores out of the way!

I have found a new verse that has beautiful meaning to my life. Psalm 18:19 says, "He delivered me because He delighted in me."  And an old favorite is Psalm 121: 1-2, " I will lift my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of Heaven and earth."

My new "life" quote is as follows:

"Dance like nobody's watching. Love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's heaven on earth. Dance. Live. Laugh. Love. Sing."

Absolute Frustration

Why does it seem like the harder I try to keep my head above water the deeper I sink? I just feel like the harder I try to work , and the harder I try to better my life I keep hitting roadblocks!! I'm so frustrated with it and so freakin' tired of it! I'm really, really at a loss as to what to do with my house, with my job situation, with not making enough money to pay the bills, with knowing I can't afford my house....with knowing that there are tons of job opportunities making decent money but that would require a move out of town for me. Trust me, I've considered it. I have GOT to find SOMETHING that will enable me to get back on my feet. Frankly, I'm sick of living paycheck to paycheck and then not even making it with that. Some people have said in the past that I shouldn't live beyond my means. Well, excuse me, but I am most certainly not. I do not have cable TV, I do not have a gym membership, I don't go on fancy vacations, I hardly buy name brand items unless it is on sale, with a coupon and at a really good deal. I have my nails done once a month for ME because it is something for ME and makes me feel pretty, and because everyone has to have something that you do for yourself. I can't help it that I have a rip off of a mortgage payment, and utilities and such on top of that.
Argh!! Sorry for venting!! I'm just at a total loss right now. I feel so useless and I feel like no matter how hard I try it isn't enough. What's a girl to do!???!!!

On my mind..

There is so much heartache surrounding the ones I love! It seems that every day I hear of something else happening to one of my dear ones! I am praying hard for all them and praying God can use me to comfort and encourage them!

Why does it seem like as soon as things have picked up and the pieces have started to be put back together that the whole thing falls apart again??

There's a spot in my life in which I have been extremely on cloud nine for more than a month now! That one chapter of my life..? Yeah its almost over and done with!! But the next chapter has already opened and unfolded some! That part of my life is amazing! It's an adventure I've enjoyed exploring and hope and pray there are more exciting adventures ahead on this journey! Monkey wrenches keep getting thrown in but I pray they are overcome! More about it to come in a future post!

However most of the rest of it....(not all!!) seems to keep dragging me under!! I am now in frantic search for better/more income. I keep trying to pick up hours at work, as stressed out as that place makes me (no offense to anyone I work with who might be reading this), and I keep sending my resume in to job postings. Now a good portion of this could have been prevented or fixed early on if I hadn't been so lazy and gotten a 2nd job last summer. But thats just the bottom line, I've been lazy about it. Hoping it would work out but not completely willing to rearrange my schedule to do so. (Not that I have a strict schedule or anything!). So now I'm busting my booty trying to figure out income.

I will admit although I am happy for them, I do get a bit jealous of my friends who seem to have it all working out for them. Seems like everyone but me is finding that perfect job, or that perfect house, or managing vacations to cool places or whatnot. I guess I just haven't been 'after it" enough. Maybe I haven't looked in the right places yet. But what are those places? I'll be putting out resumes and applications tomorrow. Maybe something will happen!

Catalyst continues to be awesome! We have a beach baptism coming up the end of the month and that will be exciting and fun! I can't wait!! The youth go to camp next week and I will be helping to chaperone them home that last day of camp! Its been a long time since I've set foot on Look Up Lodge ground! Sure do wish I could go for the whole week!! Maybe one day I'll be able to go as a leader again!

I'm dog sitting this weekend for my neighbors. A young, hyper, yellow lab!! He is very sweet but he is lacking in some manners and he licks everything (ME! EWW!)!! He has to be right behind you no matter where you are and he is the only dog I know that isn't interested in a kong!! So we walk and we throw the tennis ball and we hope to wear him out each day!!  A tired dog is a good dog!!

In just less than a month it will be a year since my Papa died. It doesn't seem like it should be here already. I can still see that day like it was yesterday. And I still tear up and sob, too. I miss him so much!! He was such a huge part of my life for my entire life!! I keep wishing I could share things with him. I miss him more every day!

I've got to get back on track with eating right and Zumba again! I did well there for several months and have lost a total of 20 +/- pounds in the last year and half +/-! Still have a little ways to go though to be where I want to be. Even though I haven't been as active lately nor have I been eating well lately I haven't gained any weight back so I'm happy about that!! It was exciting to go through clothes I've held on to and find that a good many of them fit and some of them almost fit!! Its so hot out now that its miserable to do anything outside but I am going to try to get up a little earlier on my days off and walk in the early morning, and also try to walk right before it gets dark ! If not, then my 2nd attempt is to keep doing work outs inside in the AC!! :)

I have been reading the Baxter family series by Karen Kingsbury! If you haven't read it and you enjoy fiction, you may want to pick up the first book and keep reading on!! It is amazing and you will feel like you are right there in the midst of the Baxter family, through all their smiles, their tears, worries, fears, happiness, and sad times. They are amazing books! :0)

Speaking of, its off to find a glass of wine and pick up my book again!!

How I started Writing....

This was written probably back in 2005/2006. I've had it stashed in a bunch of papers and decided I should probably type it up so I don't forget!! Back then, things were different! Oh how my life has changed since this was written.  This is in the original format, has not been edited so please excuse any English errors!!

So, going back in time a little bit.....

"I began writing right before I began 9th grade. Justin was my influence to write after he shared the poem he wrote at camp with me. One day the words began to flow and my first official poem, "Friends", was formed. 
As I continued my writing, most of which is poetry, many things in my life inspired me. The majority of my inspiration was from the people I knew. Overall, Christ has been my bigge3st inspiration. Other things in life, such as nature, life events: graduation, love, marriage, 9/11, births, deaths. All those and more spoke volumes to my heart and before I knew it, I had a ton of writings done!

I am not an artist--at least not a drawing artist, even though I did take an art class!! Poetry is my art--it is how I draw, how I paint; it is the art of my heart! Through my poetry, my life, love, life experiences, and feelings are captured. 

My love for writing stems from my love of reading. i've read almost every book I could get my hands on--everything from Nancy Drew & The Saddle Club, to Nicholas Sparks, Janette Oke, and even more recently, Karen Kingsbury!

In addition to my poetry, I've also written short stories, drama's, and even a children's book! "

Easter Post

This should've been posted at Easter time......

Easter weekend was perhaps the greatest weekend I've had in a while. Saturday was work and I helped Dad load the trailer for camping. Then I took a catnap, we went to a birthday party for a friend and then Lauren and I went off to church. A surprise awaited us in the form of a T-shirt with our church's "phrase" on it! It was so cool to watch everyone put theirs on as they bought them!!

Preaching was awesome and it amazes me every week how much the message reaches far and wide.
Being that it was the first Saturday, it was Famulari's night and boy did we have a crowd! In fact, there were so many of us that we ended up gathering outside for the majority of the night. As the restaurant cleared out some of us moved inside. There were lots of good times and good laughs had that night!!

Easter Sunday was a beautiful day!! I got up early to see my parents and my sisters off to camp and I got so much done that morning while waiting for them to be ready to go!!

I had a huge surprise up my sleeve for my Nana that Sunday morning. I decided to surprisse her and go to their church's Easter Cantata!! I really surprised her!! It was great to see a bunch of people I used to go to church with. Also saw one of my youth that was all grown up!! Now that will make you feel old!!
After another great preaching service, we went to the Pastor's house for Easter dinner. The food was wonderful and the company was fantastic!! It was great and so awesome to spend some time with old friends and catch up! I had a song in my heart and on my lips the entire day!! Many good laughs were shared and it was just a wonderful time shared by all!!!

Faded Love

Amazing how things we wrote years ago in our lives fit our life today. I wrote this back in 2002. Can't even remember what inspired it back then. But as I read through it recently I realized that it applies directly to my life over the course of the last year or so!! Wow!!

10-17-02

Like cooling breezes on humid summer days,

And feathers lifting in a hurricane,

I knew your love was quickly fading away,

Surprisingly, your image left my brain.

My heart was shattered and broken in two,

I remember clearly from way back then

It felt like I never would forget you,

How could I know that’s where it all began?

Crossing my fingers and holding my breath,

I waited for that awful time to pass.

Slipping away into what felt like death

Nothing could hold me, not even glass.

Your love faded and my life went on,

Everything felt right, once you were gone.

~~J Garner 2002~~