Reflections & Moving On

Like others, it has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot that has happened and yet I just haven't sat down and written it out. My life has been a turmoil of crazy stuff. Most recently my Papa passed away last Sunday night in his sleep. It has been a very rough week and a half and I still find myself crying when I think about it. Though his death was expected, it was also unexpected. For those of you who don't know, this is the grandpa that I've practically grown up to right next door. For 17 years I've lived in the same neighborhood as them, and for 3 of those years I've lived right next door. I miss him incredibly much and even though I know he is in a better place and he is not in pain and that I'll see him again, right now that doesn't make it any easier. I have so many memories and I only hope I can keep those alive! I also have many regrets and I am trying to deal with myself and those too. If I could go back even one week before his death and redo it, I would be grateful. Life doesn't work that way though does it? If someone had reminded me that last week that each day could be our last, I might've spent a little bit more time with him that last week before he died. I miss him so much!! He never got to be a great-grandpa either! I know thats not necessarily anybody's fault, its just how life happened, but It is truly the last thing I wanted to have on my plate this year! My heart hurts because I just can't seem to believe that he is gone!! Everytime I walk into Nana's house it seems as if he should be right around the corner or that maybe he is just down the road in the hospital because of the lastest health scare! I wouldn't want him to suffer, but I want him back!! But isn't that how we humans are? We want what we can't have or what we have lost? I now have 4 grandparents left alive....both of my parents' moms, my dad's dad, and my great-grandpa.

If you have followed my blog, or know my life, you recently read that things concerning my marriage were looking up. Well, not now. I honestly am ready for this phase of my life to pass. I am tired of the argueing and the fighting and everything in between!! I finally understood some things and truly felt that God was allowing the strings/connection to be cut and assurring me that it was okay not to fight anymore; that it was okay to move on. I know that might sound contradicting to what I've said or what I believe, but through this I am learning to listen to God and to allow Him to work in my life. Something that happened a few days ago opened my eyes to a fact that my marriage probably wouldn't work out, or if it lasted it wouldn't be more than two people living in the same house. There are a few conditions that had to be met for me to take any more steps forward with pursueing this relationship and those conditions are being refused. I truly felt God lifting a weight from my shoulders and telling me that it was okay -- that it was all going to be okay. Please understand that I do miss the first few years I knew my husband (when I first met him, dating him, and our first year or so of marriage)--those times were good for the most part and I miss the friends that we were back then. I miss the fun things that we did and the hours we would spend talking, the long walks on the beach in content quiet, the weekend trips to Greenville to see his family, and so much more! And I will truly truly miss his family! I love my in-laws!! They have always treated me like a daughter and have loved me from the start. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Justin and I should've just stayed friends, if we'd still be friends today. What would've happened to us if we hadn't gotten married? Then again, I wouldn't be who I am today if I didnt' marry him. And I probably wouldn't know half the people I do know, or have half the relationships that I do if we hadn't've gotten married. So I think in the end it comes to a part of life that you learn from the mistakes and the bad memories, cherish the good memories, and allow the trials to make you a better person.

I truly am very excited about what is to come, though. I have had to redo my "goal" list and I have had to rethink my strategies, but I have some big goals I want to meet and I have some dreams that I want to reach for. It will all take time and money of course, and it will take a lot of dedication but I know I can do it. I am surrounded by a huge network of support; of people who care and want the best for me. Some of whom have been down this very road I'm walking; some who always have the right words to say; many who always have a shoulder and ear to lend, hugs to give, and a smile on their face. And of course, last but in NO WAY shape or form are they least, I have my family!! I know in my heart they want the best for me and will support me and stand by me. I do not know what I would do without them!!

On a side note, I've changed my goal list a little bit... here is the original lists... here and here . Here are a few things that haven't changed much:
*Pay off credit card ($950 left to go)
*Pay off at least $3000 on my car (if I make my monthly payments it will be just over $3k )
*Lose at least 20lbs and get back in shape (4.5 lbs down, 15.5 to go )
*De-clutter my house: paper clutter/clothes/knick-knacks/etc
*Dig Deeper into my Bible
*Memorize verses like I did when I was a child
*Become a stronger woman and a stronger Christian!
*Read all my unread books (only a couple read so far)
*Began writing again ( I really do miss it, but can't seem to make the time to do it
*Scrapbook more photos in order to preserve the memories
*Shower my family with love
*Bless my friends with solid, trusting frienship
*Start and Finish my T-shirt quilt

I have yet to actually start my quilt. I put it off when I thought Justin was going to leave and then he did so I've been putting it off some more. Hopefully soon I will start on it. I do miss writing! I consider this to be a little bit of my writing, but I want to get back into writing my fiction stories, my poetry, and write out my kids books! I'm slowly slowly trying to memorize verses. It is really tough making quiet time a priority. I still haven't succeeded in even doing it every other day! Scrapbooking hasnt' really gotten done either.

Here are some things that I want to do and I feel that if I can accomplish these things it will open the way for me to achieve some of the other things on my list and begin to eliminate some of my stress:
*Fix the floor that is falling in
*Fix the fence that is falling apart
*Hang curtains on ALL the windows
*Find a wonderful roommate to become a good friend and help cover the bills
*Sell all the stuff on my porch that I've been trying to get rid of to help cover bills
*Build savings up to at least $500, if not $1000 (www.daveramsey.com)
*Find a way to completely pay off my credit card, my IRS debt, various other small debts (including car taxes for 09)
*Add the money that was going to the above, to my car payments
*Go back to school, even if its just a few online classes
*Take up sewing....make blankets out of all the scrap fabric I have laying around
*Run 1 mile by Christmas in under 20 min(currently I can make it about 1/4 mile running)
*Establish a routine that does not include late nights and almost-late-to-work-mornings
*Stay active in cardio workouts that will help burn the excess flab!!
*Stop eating so much junk food and eat more fruits and veggies!!!
*WRITE!! WRITE!!
*Spend less than $25/week on groceries! (www.southernsavers.com)
*Go to GA to see my grandma, my aunts/families, and my granddad
*Go to Charlotte to see a good friend of mine


I guess thats a good start! So much going on and so much I want to accomplish!

Thursday Night Rambles

Right off I'm going to warn you this is a post of rambling...just have a lot going through my head and need to write it down.

Sometimes I wish that I lived closer to the beach so I could go sit and read and relax!! I love reading on the beach! It's so calming....sitting there listening to the waves break, feeling the wind blow, hearing the birds cry, knowing that there are a ton of people around and yet its so quiet!! I wouldn't mind walking on the beach every day--makes the miles pass A LOT quicker!

I am thoroughly having a good time cleaning and decluttering my house, not to mention rearranging it. my living room looks really good---at least the front half of it does--!! I've moved on into the office which is an absolute mess! I do not know what to do with all the paper clutter! I hate it! But I'm one of those people who are afraid to throw it out b/c what if I need it down the road? *sigh* Thats' how I am with most everything though and I really do not like being a pack rat at all!

So I found a new workout series that I LOVE!~! Its the 10 min solutions...I did ab work, buns & thighs, and dance sculpt last night! For a total of 30 min work out it was the best one I've done and I truly felt like I had actually worked out!! Tonight I worked out in the pool (no seriously) and tomorrow I intend to do the work out again. Its supposed to get hot again so I don't want to be depending on walks right now...way too hot!!

I'm at a loss with everything else in my life...money, jobs, marriage.....the only thing I am sure about is my church!! I'm so thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people...most are my best friends but I am so grateful! I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for them!!

Ever been stuck in the middle of something? Or worse, stuck b/t a rock and a hard place?? Thats kinda how I feel with everything surrounding my marriage/separation!! I'm legally separated now for a year...June 2010. I thought things were actually going smoothly but a week and a half ago the top blew out again...all because I was trying to explain how I feel about a certain delicate subject. Hopeless is the best way to describe how I feel right now. *Sigh* I just really dont know what to do. On one hand I feel like I should just let it go and move on. But on the other hand, I feel like I still need to fight for my marriage. But then again I dont know. Why does life have to be so hard sometimes? I know it builds character and it makes us who we are ! And no one said life would be easy or fair. I just never expected to have to deal with any of this at any point in my life!! I started to read an article today...I had to stop reading it (I was surrounded by people) because it was making me cry. Read it..it talks about how this particular marriage the person was secure in knowing that no matter what her spouse was there..through thick and thin, good and bad. Need I say more?

Ok now that I have gotten some things off my chest, I'm going to bed now!

To Praise God...

(Concerning Divorce)......."First, you need someone who is willing and able to walk with you during this time. Someone who will not just sympathize with you, but will also hold you accountable to look at the biblical issues and do what is right. I believe that if at all possible, the best person to do this is your pastor. Another person might be a counselor trained to use the Bible.

Second, you need the church of Jesus Christ surrounding you. Be very careful you don't pull away from the church. Each part of the body needs the other. Make it clear to others in your church you don't want to be left alone. You need their love, encouragement and good counsel. The last thing you need to do is make any decisions about your marriage in a vacuum.

Third, you need to seek God in His Word and cry out to Him to know His ways and His heart for what you should do and how you should respond to your spouse. If you are looking to legitimize your reasons for divorce … slow down, even stop. Notice how much of Scripture is given to God's messages of forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, understanding, and patience.

How much value will you place on the vows you spoke to your mate before the face of your God? When you consider how much God values a covenant, what are the obligations of your marriage covenant before Him?

Will you be patient to wait for God to work in your marriage in a way you have not considered? Will you look to Him to give you the wisdom, the resources, the encouragement you need to do above and beyond what you ever could imagine or think?

Ask God to show you what you can do to rebuild your marriage. Remember, God specializes in redeeming the unredeemable. It is His preeminent desire for your marriage.

In closing, I'd like to challenge you to begin to pray together for 30 days as a couple that God will restore your marriage? That He will be the Builder of your home and that He will bring healing to your relationship. Ask Him for a miracle. You will never regret that you prayed ...."

Praise God for wise, Christian, Bible-believing people such as the writer of this article (found here ).

I am so thankful for the Christian people who have been surrounding me through this difficult time in my life. God has been so good! They have loved on me, supported me, cried with me, prayed with and for me, given me Biblical and godly advice, encouraged me, uplifted me, showered me with hugs and shoulders to cry on, and they have never stopped listening. They have encouraged me to do the right thing no matter what anyone said, what anyone thought. They have given me Scripture to take to heart and will not lead me astray. I believe that it is not how many times you fall down that matter, but how many times you get right back up and keep going. God tells us to press on toward the goal that we may win the prize (Philippians 3:14). If you read my last post you know that my marriage is troubled. A month ago I would have told you it was over forever, there was no fixing it. I praise God that he has been able to soften our hearts a little bit; that He has been able to allow us to see how we hurt the other and the many places we were falling short. I praise God that He has softened my husbands heart and began to calm his anger down. The last few weeks we have talked so much -- and we have been able to talk 100% open and honest with each other. It has been amazing! We are still separated yes, but we are both in agreement that our marriage, our relationship is worth savings. There are many people who think we/I am crazy and that it's not worth it and that nothing will change; but I have God on my side and all that matters is that I follow Him! He tells us in his Word several times that he hates divorce! And how many times does he speak of forgiveness? Patience? He tell us women to love our husbands unconditionally and for our husbands to love us as Christ loved the church. All I want is to please Him and do His will! I believe that I am supposed to do everything absolutely possible to save my marriage. I believe that no matter what anyone else thinks, that as a Christian wife striving to live after Gods Word, that if I do not invest in our marriage, if I dont learn from the mistakes we've made, that I am not in His will. My husband is willing to save our marriage and I believe him. I am choosing to believe him. I am choosing my husband--I am choosing to cling to my spouse, to put him before anyone else (except God), and to put our marriage before anything else. There are so many times I didn't put my marriage first and I should have. I see those now and I want to learn from those life lessons. I want to be so in love with my God and head over heels in love with my husband that nothing else in life matters. God has given us a second chance at getting this right and I want to make the most of it...so that we have the REST of our LIFE to PERFECT it!!!!

I feel like this is where we were: "We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up…we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt and hurting that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming." and that is what eventually ended up in us separating. We have to learn how to communicate with each other and how to change our priorities. We have to learn how to be angry but not closed off; how to talk through that anger/hurt and how to resolve conflict. We have to learn all over again how to be open and honest with each other and to trust each other again. I want my husband to be my best friend, the one I can turn to when everyone else has gone. I want to be his best friend; I want to be his encourager, his cheerleader, his safe place. I want our home to be restful, relaxing, cozy, comfy, peaceful, serene, an oasis away from the rest of the world. And most importantly I want God to be the center of everything again!

And I want to thank you for your continued support as this journey continues. I know it will be a rough road and will not fix itself overnight. But God gives us a hope for the future, he has a plan for our life and best of all he never leaves us no matter how often or how far we stray. Praise God for his wondrous and amazing love, his beautiful mercy, and his amazing grace!

Too HeartBroken to Sleep

So its almost 1am and I can't sleep because I can't stop the tears. My marriage is so broken, my husband has moved out, and i can't stop the tears from coming. I do not see how I'm going to get through this. I love him so much!! I've loved him for 9 years!! Even though he's been really mean about this the last few months, I can't stop my love for him. I don't even know if he ever knew how much he means to me. I thought we'd be together forever. " 'Til death do us part." I vowed for better or for worse. Our marriage was/is so young...and it's just being thrown away. I've been mad at him for so long and now I'm just so sad. I'm so sad that he left. I'm so sad that we will never be "J and J" again. I'm so sad that we will never live our dreams together. I'm so sad that we will never take the vacations we had talked about together. I never thought he would actually leave. I never thought we would ever come to this. We always said divorce was not an option for us, and yet here we are. We are the last couple I ever thought would be using that word. We took so much for granted but I never meant for it to end like this; I never meant to take us for granted, but life happens. I never meant to make him unhappy---I tried so hard to make life better for him. I tried so hard.....
How did we get here in 3 very very short years?? There was so much more we wanted to do together. Everyone says I'm so strong and I'll get through this but do they know how many tears I've cried? Do they know how many pieces my heart is broken in to over and over? I look around and he is in everything. I turn the radio on and there are our favorite songs. I even still have a voicemail on my phone from him from over a year ago when we were fighting and he left me a message saying that he loved me and he didn't want to lose me and he wanted us to find the time to have carefree fun again. I kept that message because he was so sincere and I would listen to it over and over when things got tough just to remind me that he loved me and we would be okay. I see him the dozens of pictures we've taken. I see him everywhere in the house. I regret so much, so very much! And I can never take it back or make it up to him. I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and this will all be a bad dream and he'll be right there to hold me and make things better. We've fought so much in our short marriage but I would do anything to go back and do it all over again. I would do anything for him to come back, or better yet to have never never left. Why? Why me? Why now? I do not see how I could ever love another as much as I love him. He is in all my memories---we've shared so much!! Why me? What is the purpose of this heartache? What is the purpose of my world to come crashing down all around me? You cannot make me believe that this is how its supposed to be??? I keep beating myself up wondering what I did wrong or what I didn't do....or what we were supposed do/how things could've been so very very different. I've lost a part of me and I can't even function. Getting through the day is so hard...but coming home to an empty house-knowing that he wont be coming home at all-is even harder. Going to bed knowing that he isn't there to snuggle against and be wrapped in his arms is even harder. Knowing that his annoying alarm clock wont be going off at ungoldy hours and knowing that I'll never be trying to wake his "sleep like a rock"-self up again is so hard. Everything I did had something to do with him. Everything I did was to make our life better, so we could live our dreams together one day. I poured my heart and soul into this...I just don't understand!!!! I just don't understand!! I cry myself to sleep most nights which leads to tell tale signs the next day. I dont' want to see anyone just simply because I dont want to talk about it because I dont want to cry again. ASHFLY---Always Serving Him, Forever Loving You was our "code"...we had it engraved on our matching wedding bands....which I miss wearing so much! I miss wearing my wedding set and letting the world know that I belonged to someone...that someone was mine and I was his--forever.
Will it ever get easier? Will the tears and the heartache ever stop? Does he feel the same way? Is he crying over me? Is he missing me as much as I miss him? If so why can't we work it out? Why can't we go back and try again? Why??

Interview

Ok, here's your interview:

1. What is your favorite beauty product/routine and why? Mary Kay Timewise Miracle Set/Eye Primer/Eye Gel----why? because it does wonders for my face!!!

2. If you had to move from Charleston, but could move anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? I would move to upstate SC or somewhere in NC to be in the mountains with rolling hills for my backyard and a creek/brooke running through my property. Why? Because I love the mountains and it's too expensive/risky to live on the beach!!!

3. What do you consider to be your best talent? What talent do you wish you had? Being organized is the talent I consider to be my best. I wish I had a lot of talents....sewing/piano playing/pretty handwriting/knowing the perfect thing to say at the perfect time/better fashion sense/and more....!

4. What is the best advice you've ever received? 1 Peter 3 & Jeremiah 29:11

5. What is your best memory from your childhood? Walking through the woods behind my neighborhood (which are no longer there) with my Dad after every holiday dinner and sometimes just for fun. That is just one of many!!!

25 Random Things about Me!

***This is from my facebook page! thought it would be fun to post here!!****


Here's how it works as written by the person who tagged me... I'm not sure where this original project started but I got tagged and decided to continue it by tagging those of you whom I consider to be great friends or I haven't heard from you in a while and would love to hear what you have to say. Hope you'll play along because it would/will be fun hearing from you.

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. ...love to watch CSI: Miami & NY & Grey's Anatomy

2. ...do not have cable TV; Channels 2, 4, 5, & 7 are all I get! And they only come in on ONE tv....and I NEVER am "in charge" of the remote....go figure!

3. ...have pretty much given up sodas.

4. ...am dying to get debt paid off! GO DAVE RAMSEY!

5. ...love, love, love to read!!

6. ...wish I had a bigger house and lots of land!

7. ...was born in Fairbanks, AK...dont' believe me? ask my Mom!

8. ...absolutely love the smell of fresh clean sheets!

9. ...am 23, married, and still sleep with my childhood teddy bear!! yes, no lie! tease if you will......

10. ...would sit and read for hours if I could.

11. ..have lived in the same neighborhood for almost 17 years minus 8 months.

12. ...live next door to my grandparents and 4 doors down from my parents.

13. ..hate to get out of bed in the mornings but love being up early!

14. ...hate to be out in the dark alone...even on my front porch!

15. ...cannot stand backyard breeders or people who wont get their animals fixed!! Maybe they should go look at the shelters and see where their puppies end up! There should be strict, mandatory tests to pass for anyone to breed & there should be a nationwide LAW that any dog/cat not for breeding is to be fixed!! (ok stepping off the soapbox now!

16. ...am a poet and an author...and have 3 more books in my head!

17. ...cannot stand my house to be dirty or unorganized!

18. ...have never broken a bone in my body or had measles/chicken pox, etc (and pray I never do!).

19. ...love cucumbers but hate pickles!

20. ...am determined to lose this extra weight this year so I can feel better about myself AND wear a bathing suit this summer!!!

21. ...love playing the piano but really can't play very well!

22. ...paid for my own wedding ring...haha...just the way the credit limits worked out!!

23. ...love, love, love Eeyore, GRITS (Girl Raised in the South); anything with the Palmetto emblem; monogrammed initials....anything girly!

24. ...would love to go to Florida to see white sand and clear water; Montana/Colorado to see rolling green meadows in the mountains; Kentucky to see the bluegrass and the Kentucky Derby; Maine to see the tip top of the East Coast; Chincoteague to see the Chincoteague ponies; Alaska to see my family and re-experience it; Disney World because, well, its Disney World!!

25. ...wish I had gone to college....& have secretly thought about going back to school...not much of a secret anymore huh?

Favorite Things & "Mama Mia"

I have been wanting to write a blog for a while about "a few of my favorite things". But first I have to say that "Mama Mia" is an awesome movie!! It truly does not turn out the way you think it will and even though its a "musical" is a VERY AWESOME movie!! If you haven't watched it, you should probably go rent it tonight!!

Back to my list of favorite things:

"These are a few of my favorite things..."

*Fresh, clean sheets & clean pj's
*Early spring and late fall when the air is cool and crisp with a breeze
*Fall colors
*Spring flowers
*Purples, Teals/Turquoise, & Earth tone colors
*Horses & Hummingbirds
*Boxer dogs
*SNOW
*Orange Cats (and all cats)
*Cast Iron Skillets
*A hot shower after playing in a cold rain
*Good music on the radio, my Ipod, CD's, etc
*A package in the mail
*Eeyore
*Fuzzy Socks
*A good book
*Horseback Riding
*Photography
*Nature photos
*Sunsets on the beach
*Sunsets in the fall
*Sunsets anywhere
*Waterfalls
*The mountains
*Clean Car Smell
*Having a clean car inside and out
*Clean Linen/Cotton scents
*Flowers in bloom....honeysuckle, wisteria, tulips, daffodils, roses,
*A good chic flick
*Chocolate...ice cream/frozen yogurt, candy, M&M's, milkshakes, cookies, cake, ....
*Rainy Days when I can stay home and be lazy
*Being organized!
*Checking off a list
*A cold glass of milk
*A long walk in the woods
*Dinner or Lunch with good friends
*GIRLTALK
*Double Rainbows
*Aurora Borealis
*GOOGLE
*A Good Hairday
*Dressing up with somewhere to go
*Beach scents
*Walking on the beach Barefoot!!
*Watching Dolphins play
*Kayaking
*Camping on the Hill
*My front porch swing


There is much more to add to my list but this will get you started!